[Longsword]

I touched the subject on earlier thread, and wanted to hear other people’s experiences, and tell me how they’ve dealt with the similar situation (if any share my experiences). As I’ve said elsewhere, my wife has become a retail-addict-materialist-debt-accumulator-junkie.

Basically, I live in otherwise happy marriage where my wife has become an all-out consumerist. Her spending has gotten out of all proportions, and is actually now threatening mine. We both have a very good salary, (though mine is about 50% bigger), allowing me easily to put 10 000 – 20 000 $ aside each year. We could effortlessly double our savings/investments if she wanted to, but her priority nowadays is to waste all her money as soon as she gets it.

This month was particularly bad, since she filled up her credit card to brim AND wasted her entire (considerable) salary on expensive trinkets (shoes, more shoes, third camera etc). Last weekend she then told me that she wanted to go to US on a shopping trip. I told her that A) I don’t wanna go and B) that she has already spent her entire salary this month, so the shopping trip comes out of my salary which we have agreed will be used towards our savings.

She started crying and told me I never wanted to do anything with her. I said that perhaps I indeed should be more attentive to her, and I suggested that we’d travel to one of the nature parks around us here in BC since she loves animals, but it quickly became apparent that it was not about us spending time together, but her being able to spend more money. After a long fight I reluctantly agreed, and got to witness the madness that is the US build-up to Superbowl. We returned with her somewhat happier for couple of days, and at least 1000 $ poorer.

So now I am surrounded by singing plastic Christmas trees, 2 ipod shuffles, 2 ipod minis, 2 ipods, 2 ipod nanos (and no, the second one is not for me, she likes to buy pairs), 100s of DVDs we never have time to watch, 3 expensive cameras, 20 ceramic teapots, 55 pairs of expensive shoes that are never used… And I want none of this. I am sick to my stomach with all the crap she buys that gets piled mile-high around me. Apart from a few books and necessities of life, I’ve given up shopping, but that just encourages her spending frenzy. I just don’t love cheap plastic trinkets, and don’t fully understand her passion for them.

What happened to the girl I married whose greatest joy was listening to some music and curling up with a good book, and fighting for the survival of the great apes?

When I remove my (extremely strong) personal feelings, I can see that she is inflicted with complete retail addiction. It is such a seductive scheme: new trinkets are pushed into your face from all over the world, ads blast into your face and tell you you’re not attractive/cool unless you spend, spend, spend.

I’ve talked about the possibilities of the future (from worst to best case scenarios, Peak Oil etc), and told her in my mind even in the best case scenario it is important to make sure we will not be wiped out financially, and that we can survive at least short-term hardship. Her counter-argument is simply that we cannot do anything about those problems, so we should not worry about them. She gets upset, angry and moody, and I’ve just told her that her salary is her own, but I will fight to ensure our future. Now she is watching my savings with envious eyes, and that is where I will draw the line. I will not let her buy another 1000 pair of shoes with them, though I fear what that denial will do to our marriage.

Thanks, just telling this helped me a lot.

[Colorado-Valley]

Steve Jobs must love you guys ...

My wife got into a trip-to-Acapulco thing last month, when it was dark and dreary around here. But when the gardening catalogs began showing up a few weeks ago, she began dreaming of the garden and lost interest in Acapulco.

We now either grow or buy locally about 80 percent of our food. It's really very fun and just as addictive as "shopping."

Have you shown her "The End of Suburbia?" That's what got us interested in so much gardening.

[Longsword]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('pstarr', 'H')ow can you unload here on this site with all the liberals, do-gooders, hippies, doomers and engineers watching you?

[TorrKing]

Longsword

Mine is just as yours, it seems. She used to shop on loaned money, but those days are over. I simply don't allow such stupidity anymore.

I try to tell her about PO, but she thinks I am mad and obsessive. She tells me that if I am right and she have to grow or gather her own food in the future she would rather die. Especially if there will be no more shopping malls.

She can be glad that at least her man is reasonably prepared, because she would die the same week the lights go out, that is certain!

Torjus Gaaren

[Doly]

I've known couples with that problem, and the only way of dealing with it is complete financial separation. Have completely separate bank accounts, and tell her she's only allowed to spend from her own accont. If your home is not yet paid for, she should have a standing order to pay her proportional part of the mortgage. Same goes for any bills. Food is harder to divide, so don't even try, and it isn't really going to be a problem if you have to buy it all.

The beauty of this is that you don't even need her agreement to do this. You can have your own separate bank account any time you want. She may make a big fuss about it (chances are that she will), but she will have no option but learn to budget her own money, and deal with the consequences if she doesn't. Don't soften up if she cries or tries to get her way in any way. You know you are helping her if you do this, and letting her sink deeper into her problems if you don't.

[killJOY]

I'm sorry to hear about your problem.

It reminds me that I'm lucky to have a partner who is on the same page as I. We share everything and keep no secrets from each other.

With your wife, remember that the problem is not just her but the culture.

America: a country that is the corpse of its former self.

Who would believe this is the same place that produced Thoreau and John Muir.

[Michael_Layden]

Hi just wondering what happens all the toys when she gets bored of them?

You should look at selling them on ebay and recoup some of the money, Just make sure she keeps all the boxes. Maybe she might even get interested in the joys of selling as well. Amazing what sells on ebay.

Don't understand the 2 of everything, sounds like an allergy to money.

[hippiegunlover]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('pstarr', ' ')Is this shopping addiction common or does you wife have a more serious one?

[Barbara]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'W')e returned with her somewhat happier for couple of days, and at least 1000 $ poorer.
So now I am surrounded by singing plastic Christmas trees, 2 ipod shuffles, 2 ipod minis, 2 ipods, 2 ipod nanos (and no, the second one is not for me, she likes to buy pairs), 100s of DVDs we never have time to watch, 3 expensive cameras, 20 ceramic teapots, 55 pairs of expensive shoes that are never used…

[RonMN]

I to, am sorry to hear about your problem. That's gotta be tough.

I'm not sure this would work, but, maybe wait for a quiet time where she isn't just about to go shopping, and try to say "honey, i think you have an addiction...and i think it's time we opened a dialogue about it because it's beginning to harm our relationship".

If she's not receptive to that...fill the house from top to bottom with 50 pound sacks of rice & beans...there will be no more room for trinkets

Uh oh, but then maybe she'll start shopping for a bigger house.

[EnergySpin]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Longsword', '
')When I remove my (extremely strong) personal feelings, I can see that she is inflicted with complete retail addiction. It is such a seductive scheme: new trinkets are pushed into your face from all over the world, ads blast into your face and tell you you’re not attractive/cool unless you spend, spend, spend.

[TommyJefferson]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Doly', 'I')'ve known couples with that problem, and the only way of dealing with it is complete financial separation. Have completely separate bank accounts

[FairMaiden]

The problem with complete financial seperation is that he is still legally responsible for her debt. If she really does have an addiction, he could find in the next few years that she's racked up all her credit cards and taken out personal lines of credit to keep going. He'd still be responsible for all that debt as his savings would be considered "joint" investments. There is no "seperate" if you are legally married.

I made my fiance watch Bartletts seminar on exponential growth and that opened his eyes. Of course, he still calls me crazy if I keep fresh bottled water in the house (and we live in an earthquake region so its just plain prudent!).

End of Suburbia was just too far out there for him to grasp. He didn't really believe things would get that bad...

[Longsword]

Thanks for all the comments and feedback. I truly and genuinely appreciate it, and I am grateful. Western society just isn't open to my point of view: I am sick of all the crap I am supposed to buy, and I don't want a car. This is anathema to a lot of people. I needed to write about this somewhere, as in most of the boards I go to people would just scream at me for not making her happy and being selfish.

I think Torjuus and Killjoy are close to the mark: our culture is geared towards trying to get people shop as much as possible, and it is very hard for certain people to even contemplate a less opulent lifestyle.

I also suspect that my wife wants lots of kids, and this is just a symptom of it.

I really don't want to come across as whiner, and I don't want to want to shift blame. I have just as much responsibility for our affairs as she does, and she is my partner, I want us to work this out together.

I'll try to write more cohernt answer later today.

[lateStarter]

pstarr,

I would agree with you in the sense that it seems like everyone is looking for something better, they just don't know how to get there. This results in all sorts of disfunctional behavior, some of it manifiested by excessive shopping (the rush), violence (the rush), risky sex (the rush), and on and on (the rush)... People want to feel alive and unfortunately, as a result of being consigned to the role of 'consumer', all they feel is boredom and dread. I think they will get to experience a whole new kind of 'rush' soon, although probably not to their liking...

[mgibbons19]

Sounds like you guys got a rocking good marriage going on. A financial separation sounds about par for the course. Either that or you should be able to coerce her to your perspective.

I don't know about you all, but my spouse is more important to me than PO. If you're not on the same page financially, you're not on the same page.

Good luck.

[dissimulo]

I suspect people only develop these kinds of excesses when they are not really happy with their lives. You could try to find out where the root of her unhappiness lies, but, more often than not, it is going to be you.

There are lots of fish in the sea; I'd cut my losses and find one who has a similar outlook on life. I can't imagine being hitched to someone who doesn't carefully manage her finances.