[efarmer]

Mr.Nigerian,
In my country, you are represented by the PrarieMule, this
man has all the attributes of the ingredients he is made of,
The serenity and vision of the Prairie, the stubborn ire of
the Mule, a generous amount of Horse sense, and every
once in awhile we see a glimpse of a Sublime Ass that
one can never forget. How did you come to choose this
man to be your American agent? Does he ever grovel for
swag and threaten to cut your American outlet off if he
is not provided a bodacious honorarium. In essence,
do you think you are evolving the sodbuster into a
higher echelon of humanity, or are you just swagging
his ass to keep him pulling your wagon?

000 (I ain't giving you any X's brother)

Efarmer

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('efarmer', 'M')r.Nigerian,
In my country, you are represented by the PrarieMule, this
man has all the attributes of the ingredients he is made of,
The serenity and vision of the Prairie, the stubborn ire of
the Mule, a generous amount of Horse sense, and every
once in awhile we see a glimpse of a Sublime Ass that
one can never forget. How did you come to choose this
man to be your American agent? Does he ever grovel for
swag and threaten to cut your American outlet off if he
is not provided a bodacious honorarium. In essence,
do you think you are evolving the sodbuster into a
higher echelon of humanity, or are you just swagging
his ass to keep him pulling your wagon?

000 (I ain't giving you any X's brother)

Efarmer

[PrairieMule]

Good Hello From Nigeria! Me Ebay Okowo. Me local businessman of ill repute. Someone has ignited the desiel fumes from the truck with a lit cigarette. All goods from the overturned truck now burn very hot and tires on fire. Me looking into alternative loot from overturned fruit truck for esteemed Nigerian's bag. Me associates will cause accident if me have to bring goods to you. When in Nigeria, Me can accommodate any request for goods and services.
Me have strong work ethic and me strive to deliver 100% customer happy and come back.

Thank you.

Ebay

[efarmer]

Wow, I;m a winner, I'm a winner. Mr. Nigerian, I can't wait to
get that roll of sustainable bumwadden. Being stainless I can
boil it for reuse, and I just know it will feel grate on my hiney.
Each and every time I use it, I will remember you.

000 (and a big wet sloppy X from PrarieMule.)

Efarrmer

[BigTex]

Nigerian,

I would like to learn more about hyenas as family pets and companions.

Are they gentle?

Do they like playing games like fetch?

Can you teach them to do tricks?

Here in my country we have a saying: "A dog is a man's best friend."

Is there a similar saying in your country? Something like "A hyena is a Nigerian's best friend."

Do they bite?

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('BigTex', 'N')igerian,

I would like to learn more about hyenas as family pets and companions.

Are they gentle?

Do they like playing games like fetch?

Can you teach them to do tricks?

Here in my country we have a saying: "A dog is a man's best friend."

Is there a similar saying in your country? Something like "A hyena is a Nigerian's best friend."

Do they bite?

[BigTex]

Nigerian,

As you may know, our beautiful Stonebriar Mall shopping facility has a very authentic Santa Claus lap sitting opportunity every year, and one evening is designated as pets only. On this evening your pet can sit in Santa's lap and tell him all of his Christmas wishes.

I would so much like to see how an evening like that would unfold where I took my hyenas to the mall to sit on Santa's lap.

I would definitely want to bring a camera!

Assuming no one was too seriously injured during the Santa Claus visit, we would make sure to take our pets to Glamour Shots as you have suggested.

Although I like the idea of dressing them as bikers, I may go a different direction and see if I can have them each dressed up as Hannah Montana for the photo shoot.

That would really be a night to remember.

***

I can imagine the shots from our pet hyena album:

Here are our hyenas, "Jason" and "Sweetie" when they were pups:



Jason can be a little mischievous:



Sweetie gets her snack on:



Jason is always getting into something:



Just a couple of sweet hyenas playing in the yard (that's Sweetie with her head buried in the carcass and Jason is the one smiling at the camera):

[PrairieMule]

DUPLICATE

[PrairieMule]

On the subject of Frisco. My esteemed associate Ebay wishes to announce that Mitch and Stephanie Fischer of Frisco, Tx have Adopted a Nigerian!


Ever so quick to pick up on trends, Ebay knew that with in 2-3 years after Madonna's and Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie's adoptions of African children, suburban americans would soon follow. I must say I never saw this one coming.

Baby Abeji Ayo(now Braden Tyler Fischer) will reside to a 4/3/2 2000 sq foot house nestled in this Dallas Suburb.

[PrairieMule]

Dear esteemed Doomers,

I understand many of you are rushing out this weekend to see the new Iron Man movie. I would like to inform you that we nigerians have our superhero movies as well.

Please enjoys some fine Nigerian cinema.

SUPERHERO!

[efarmer]

Is it cool for an older white man to wear an orange hunting hat
with the youth of Nigeria? If so, could you send photos to help me
with ammunition for a family squabble in Missouri, USA?

No X's or O's this time, just close your eyes beneath your shades
and feel the cracker love I am sending your way with "the Force".

Efarmer

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('efarmer', 'I')s it cool for an older white man to wear an orange hunting hat
with the youth of Nigeria? If so, could you send photos to help me
with ammunition for a family squabble in Missouri, USA?

No X's or O's this time, just close your eyes beneath your shades
and feel the cracker love I am sending your way with "the Force".

Efarmer

[PrairieMule]

Dear friends of Nigeria,

This was a a very exiting week in Nigeria. The ZUMA film festival opened up in Abuja and all of Nigeria's elite and mighty digitaries rubbed elbows at may premiers. I myself was in attendence with one of my mistresses on my arm. At one party they dipped into some oil ministry fund to fly 1000 multiflavored Buffalo Wings from Wingstop and dozens of Pizzas from California Pizza Kitchen. This was not intially in vain. Over 45,000 Naria ($380) was raised for a very worthy cause. Unfortunately the bar tab exceeded the proceeds sothe hat was passed around and filled with goverment vouchers.

Now for those unfamiliar with Nigerian cinema, also know as Nollywood, it is a 450 million dollar a year industry. We had many regional stars in attendance. It is of note that George Clooney was not there. Mr Clooney was appointed by the UN as a good will ambasador and consular to all our problems here in Nigeria. I think he is off to great start as he understands the nigerian work ethic of punching in and going home to nap.

[PrairieMule]

ASK A NIGERIAN

DEAR NIGERIAN:

If you remember last year I wrote to you almost in tears about being flamed on the internet about my beliefs. I want you to know that I have taken your advice to heart and purchased a machete.

Wow! I just can't tell you how effective the machete is in conflict resolution. Ok, just the other day at Super Target some she hag witch took my prime parking spot I had waited for with my turn signal on. In true nigerian fashion, I got out of the car and started screaming a few choice phrases in a Nigerian Yoruba dialect while waiving the machete. ODABO MO NI IFE RE! That bitch's eyes got as big as golf balls. But hey why stop there, so I hacked away at the fiberglass quarter panel and bumper valance of her Nissan Pathfinder. She really lost her shit and so did her 2 little darlings in the back seat. She knocked into 3 other parked cars trying to get the hell out of my way.

Because of you, the Nigerian, I have changed my major from Sociology to African Cultural Studies. Just learning to scream in Yourba has paid in mighty dividends. People just can't process a 5'3" white pixie screaming in Yoruba while weilding a machete. Even men seem to show respect 40 years of womens lib could not deliver. Now everyone on campus knows who I am. More importantly they fear and respect me like a Nigerian Warlord!

Wendi
Jamacia,NY

Dear Wendi,

Oh Babi! My heart swells with most justifible pride to see you empower your life.

For her empowering correspondence, Wendi will recieve Seasons 1 and 2 of "My Crazy Baboon" TV comedy on DVD staring Ade Oluwa and Mr Bananas from the Ask a Nigerian's Groovy Grab Bag of Swag

[BigTex]

Nigerian,

Do you think that Machete Fencing should be an Olympic event?

What about a UFC-style "open blades" event in which participants can use any type of cutting instrument?

In either case, I know that Nigeria and its tremendous athletes would do very well.

By the way, what can you tell me about the Nigerian Olympic team?

As I recall, the Nigerians took the silver medal in Curling at the last winter olympics.

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('BigTex', 'N')igerian,

Do you think that Machete Fencing should be an Olympic event?

What about a UFC-style "open blades" event in which participants can use any type of cutting instrument?

In either case, I know that Nigeria and its tremendous athletes would do very well.

By the way, what can you tell me about the Nigerian Olympic team?

As I recall, the Nigerians took the silver medal in Curling at the last winter olympics.

[PrairieMule]

Dear Westerners,

It has come to my attention that some of you are looking to replace a old vehicle with a new one. It warms my heart to see that your endeavors are fruitful. On the other side of the palm leaf, one should be forward thinking enough to know that American women will soon evolve(or de-volve). Now it was relayed to me this person was looking for a shaved woman. This leaves my mouth agape. See now in Nigeria when the woman gets the HIV, her head is shaved to warn the men of the village she is unclean. I do not understand your logic but this Nigerian has the answer for you.

In the near future, America will be subject to much of the food riots we see here in Nigeria. Wesstern women will soon think like Nigerian women. On that note, I have stolen some music from the ZZ Top to explain to you.

Silk shirt, jungle boots
guess where your foriegn aid is goin to?
Linen suit, sly bribe,
I dont need justify.
They come runnin just as fast as they can
Coz every Nigerian girl crazy bout a UNICEF Relief Van.

Fake Rolex watch, 419 ring,
I aint missin a single thing.
And cufflinks, stick pin,
I got the support of the UN.
They come runnin just as fast as they can
Coz every Nigerian girl hungry for a UNICEF Relief Van

Top coat, top hat,
I dont worry coz my wallets fat.
Black shades, white drugs,
Machete is sharp and lookin for love.
They come runnin just as fast as they can
Coz every Nigerian girl grazy bout a UNICEF Relief Van.

[btu2012]

Dear Nigerian,

Here in the West we keep having problems due to our racial and religious differences. I hear that your country has a long history of multi-culturalism and a rich understanding of religious diversity.

Please be kind to share from your experience in advising us how to deal with our divisions.

With best regards and wishes for your sublime excellency,

Btu

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('btu2012', 'D')ear Nigerian,

Here in the West we keep having problems due to our racial and religious differences. I hear that your country has a long history of multi-culturalism and a rich understanding of religious diversity.

Please be kind to share from your experience in advising us how to deal with our divisions.

With best regards and wishes for your sublime excellency,

Btu

[btu2012]

Dear Mr Nigerian,

My experience in the hospital here has been very interesting. I especially appreciated the opportunity to share my culture with the 3 bedmates I was placed over, two of whom unfortunately have passed away.

I did follow your advice of making friends through business propositions, but it seems that the Nigerian habit requires an advance check before solidifying a friendship, and for some unknown reason my wallet seems to have been lost during the ambulance explosion.

I also followed your advice in not eating the jelly, which was quite easy since it I could recognize it by its smell. Unfortunately I discovered that due to gang fights in the hospital's vicinity, the water mains had been infected as well, which they could do nothing about since they had sold all of their antibiotics to the gangsters in return for security. I am happy to report that I managed to convince my country's embassy to supply new medication, which seems to have been used miraculously fast.

I am glad to have contributed to the relations between our nations. I have just returned home my with my embassy's help, after accumulating valuable experience about the proper way to deal with ethnic issues in an over-populated environment.

With renewed regards for your sublime excellency,

Btu