[Nigerian_Scammer]

Mr. Tirefire,

I take great exception to your proposal to dump buckets of piss and garbage all over my country. My name is Charles Onwudinjo. Let me introduce myself, I was a personal secretary of the past president of Nigeria who died recently in a plane crash.

Yes even here on PeakOil.com the Nigerian culture is been badmouthed and shamed with all these allegations of thievery and corruption. Last year I made a stand about this issue and resolved to found the Nigeria Cultural Friendship Center in Lagos and educate the world. I shall require your assistance in stamping out this discrimination, surely you are a supporter of international goodwill.

If one of you would liaison with me to make a stand for the Nigerian people, I shall temporarily name you the heir of the estate of my father so I can move $2.4 million to an offshore account in London, where we shall do business with Carillion Plc to construct this center. To thank you for this transaction I shall give you 10% and reserve 2% for charity house. Please reply at your earliest with your bank account information.

Regards,

C. Onwudinjo

[PrairieMule]

Mr Ant:

First let me tell you my mouth does not hang agape at the suggestion of a local constable not accepting your gift. Cultural boundries amoungst tribes can often be misunderstood and perhaps the man felt the sum would amount to a pitance. You are luck you did not end up like this motorist.


I grow weary of this. Let us no longer dwell on theivery or internet enterprises. Let me share some of our proud Nigerian Cinema Arts:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... &plindex=0


http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... &plindex=5

[PrairieMule]

ASK A NIGERIAN

I have returned from a ceremony held in the fine Sheridan Hotel outside of Newark, New Jersey. Newark was selected as the sister city to Lagos for it's balanced example balance of industrial oil refineries, pollution, and bribery!

While on official business, I dispatched my son on a errand. I am displeased to report that when my 3rd son Oje returned, he did not return with my vodka but rather was returned in the back seat of a police car. Why in the land of freedom is a 17 year old man not allowed to purchase liqours or fine spirits? Why do local constables act this way when they are slapped by their betters? As a distinguished emissary of Nigeria I am rightously insulted, thus it is my right. To draw my ire is to impede the flow of oil to England's Brigand Colonies. Let us not dwell on the unhappy incident and look at this weeks mailbag.

Dear Nigerian

I am 5 months deliquent on my mortgage. We have been served by the local constable to vacate by next month. In the spirit of Nigerian diplomacy, I attempted to bribe the constable to lose the paperwork by giving him the blackberry owned by my employer. What can I do?

Jeff Baker
Sparks, NV

Dear Jeff,

Good News!

You have qualified for a consolidation loan from the proud Bank of Nigeria! Unlike American Banks, we do not suffer from unprincipled loan officers, and offer E-Z closings. Futhermore you are immune to American inflation because the loan is subject to Nigerian inflation!

Now because you are American, I know you are overqualified but my underwriter requires a a mere thousand dollar escrow to lock in your rate. Don't delay one more day! A promise of foreclosure relief from your goverment in the year of election carries no more weight than the proud word of a Nigerian venture capitalist!

Are you stupid? Sign here right now! Sign you dullard and be free once again to engage in your uber-consumer lifestyle.

Wait, I got your email with the number to your checking acct but you forgot to include your wife's social security #. That's better.

[FireAnt]

Dear Nigerian,

Many apologies about the treatment of your son. But surely you are aware of the bizarre puritan nature in this country. For it is more important to give the illusion that our society is in control of our addiction and sin issues than to actually address these things in a fair and rational manner. In Texas according to the alcohol laws, the punishment is up to 60 years for selecting on alternating Tuesdays a room-temperature case of Coors Light with false ID when the purchase is associated with Slim Jims. But if you select the refrigerated Miller Lite on Wednesday with same Slim Jim, you can only get 30 days probation. This is really ridiculous and we have the Texas Alcohol & Beverage Commission to thank for this kind of thing. Oh, if only we were blessed with a benevolent and fair Nigerian government where a 17 year old can buy a Fudgsicle and a Pabst Blue Ribbon, and where a little graft, properly dispensed, rights all injustice.

I do have a question for you. Last year the CEO of Sallie Mae, Tim Fitzpatrick quit after 3 years at the helm and walked away with at least $60 million in compensation over that time period. Also his predecessor CEO cashed in his stocks in December, costing Sallie Mae over $250 million and infuriating the shareholders. At the same time I read about how Sallie Mae is in financial trouble. What do you think of the ethics of these wealthy CEOs who capture a large percentage of the company's earnings? Do you have warlords there that could be considered their brethren in spirit?

Fireant

[PrairieMule]

ASK A NIGERIAN

Mr Ant,

Once again my mouth hangs agape at the level of American craftiness. Yet I am reminded of a old Nigerian proverb which cautions appitites for excess vice and ambition.

Once a young boy rushed to his mother and told her excitedly..."Mummy, Mummy!, come quickly! There is a strange man playing lovey-dovey with the house maid in her room.

His mother stood up in anger.

"In my house?! Abi this girl craze! Ewo! If na true junior de talk I go kill this girl today"! She stormed down the hall to confront the maid but when she got to the door, junior who had been trying to play a joke on his mum screamed with glee... "April Fool Mum!, It's only Daddy playing with the house maid!"

This is why even the most ambitious of Nigerian strongmen, warlords and fine dignitaries in the know never try to aquire that much cash. Nigerians know that although we may have a marrage of convience with your American goverment tables, can turn if we step out of line. Then we get the kitchen knife from a angry woman, or in Saddam's case-a long coil of rope.

The dullard should have taken a modest salary and just embezzled the rest. I find it uncanny that Sallie Mae is a institution that finances educational studies. I understand this, that is because education is never cheap nor free. Looks like the shareholders got quite a education.

[PrairieMule]

ASK A NIGERIAN

Dear Friends,

Please enjoy some more fine Nigerian Arts.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... &plindex=7

Namaste Nigeria!

[FireAnt]

Dear Mr. Nigerian,

What is the optimal occupation a regular citizen in Lagos can have to benefit from bribery
and graft? Not all upstanding citizens are as fortunate as you to be born with the blood
of royalty, so what is the best thing an average 10-year old Nigerian can do to further
his future? Does one have to become a Nigerian customs agent to add to his salary,
or does the "system" benefit all, from policemen across the board to hotel maids?

Fireant

[PrairieMule]

Ask a Nigerian

Dear Nigerian,

I run a small department of claims processors for a major insurance company. We are constantly recieving new claims and with 2 of my employees on maternity leave we are behind. Frequently I have discovered most of my employees working hours pre occupied by internet. At any time of the day I'll see people on EBAY or posting on peakoil.com. On top of that someone picked up a virus from a ringtone website. How do Nigerians optimize productivity?

Monique Wallace
Grand Prairie, Tx

Dear Monique,

Ooooo ja! With my most recient appointment as Deputy Minister of Transportation I have found myself under the yolk of being an administrator as well. May I give you a most dire warning regarding EBAY? Many of my clerks return from their lunch hour at Ebay Okawo's brothel. They too have all picked up the virus!

May I ask are you allowing proper time for your employees to nap at their desks? In Nigeria it is most common to see the average uhh how do you say "Worker Bee" in deep slumber on top of a soft pile of Accounts payable forms or UN humanitarian forms. A fresh and well rested mind is a more productive one. Yet a dull mind will let many bribes slip to someone else.

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('FireAnt', 'D')ear Mr. Nigerian,

What is the optimal occupation a regular citizen in Lagos can have to benefit from bribery
and graft? Not all upstanding citizens are as fortunate as you to be born with the blood
of royalty, so what is the best thing an average 10-year old Nigerian can do to further
his future? Does one have to become a Nigerian customs agent to add to his salary,
or does the "system" benefit all, from policemen across the board to hotel maids?

Fireant

[PrairieMule]

Ask a Nigerian

Dear Friends,

Due to more unrest near my compound, my mailbag is empty. I have observed a growing trend on this website. There is much discussion about PREPARATION for The shit hits the fan. I am amused, because every day here in Nigeria The Shit Hits The Fan. Only the fan has no power because MEND rebels have knock out the grid every week. Holy fuck we are up to our necks in shit every day in Nigeria. Yet England's brigand colonies teach their young foolishness. You do not fear collapse, you fear your credit card being declined at a air conditioned resturant! Buy more, be soft, watch TV! Just today I read this doe eyed college boy's tripe in The Onion

Forgive me, those words of rebuke are not meant for those that loitter here.

That being said, we Nigerians are a wealth of knowledge regarding civil collapse. You say buy the M4 rifle. Buy the freeze dried chicken. Buy the ammo. Buy the bag of beans. Buy the gold. Buy the silver. Vote Ron Paul. Oooo ja!

But nowhere do I see what every Nigerian sees missing!
The Machete

You turn to Dimitri Orlov but not to your esteemed friend in Nigeria?Ohh babi. Now your President says he will bribe your favor with a $800 refund? He is as cautious as my third son Ojie commuting in his Renault Van. You Americans are losing your houses, you cannot fill your tanks or your bellies, you are losing your civil rights,

Enough! Dis Ibo People!

I will help. I cannot turn my eyes away from your soon to be malaise. Soon I will dispense my wisdom in a article that will be immortalized as 5 RULES FOR AMERICAN LIFE WITHOUT NIGERIA'S OIL:A NO NONSENSE GUIDE TO AMERICAN COLLAPSE ON 12 HYPER INFLATED DOLLARS A DAY !

[gnm]

Dear Mr. Nigerian, Regarding the machete:

I have not only studied the ways of your country but I have not only one machete but one machete for every member of the family. It is a bit heavy for the 3 year old but we feel it will help to develop her muscles. It is highly amusing to see her whirl it about. In addition our climate and needs favor the tomahawk which we have also acquired. The tomahawk is a tool I think which would be well suited to Nigeria as well. Perhaps if you are willing to supply bank account information we could arrange to supply select individuals in Nigeria with high quality tomahawks.

-G

[PrairieMule]

Ask a Nigerian

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('TireFire', 'M')r. Nigerian,

Would you consider visiting North America?

If so, where would you visit and why?

If not, why not and where would you rather be?

[PrairieMule]

Ask a Nigerian

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('gnm', 'D')ear Mr. Nigerian, Regarding the machete:

I have not only studied the ways of your country but I have not only one machete but one machete for every member of the family. It is a bit heavy for the 3 year old but we feel it will help to develop her muscles. It is highly amusing to see her whirl it about. In addition our climate and needs favor the tomahawk which we have also acquired. The tomahawk is a tool I think which would be well suited to Nigeria as well. Perhaps if you are willing to supply bank account information we could arrange to supply select individuals in Nigeria with high quality tomahawks.

-G

[PrairieMule]

Ask a Nigerian
5 RULES FOR AMERICAN LIFE WITHOUT NIGERIA'S OIL:A NO NONSENSE GUIDE TO AMERICAN COLLAPSE ON 12 HYPER INFLATED DOLLARS A DAY

Dealing with Authority post crash

RULE#1-Bullshit is a vital and key ingredient in the production of the ripest red tomatoes.

Such wisdom is universal. As Bruce Lee once said:

“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

I have twist to that thought

Empty your bowels, like the bull. Now you put bullshit in a cup it becomes the cup. Fill a manure bag and it becomes the bag. It has the power to repel or stimulate growth. You spread it over a garden and it becomes the fertile garden. Be Bullshit, babi.

When Blackwater boot is on your neck it wise to appear as a dullard or even mildly retarted. This will work and will allow you to properly decieve the elites, enforcers, and your fellow uber consumer cul-de-sac neighbor. For example If I were to discuss post crash strategy say like hoarding guns or food for a "Long Emergency". The average american would respond "That is foolish! That is retarded". Now your you can freely engage in your actions. When the soldier flags your car over scolds you about your papers not being in order. Be like the bullshit that fertilizes the garden, part of nature. It is also part of nature that fertile bribes produce fruit.

It was bullshit that made you believe energy would always be cheap. In a post peak crash, you to must learn to bullshit.

Do you see babi?

[PrairieMule]

Ask a Nigerian

Dear Friends,

Once again the eyes of the world have turned toward Nigeria. It is of note that George Clooney has come forward to act as hostage negotiator for MEND.

Is this a Joke? Like the one Brad Pitt played on the Palestinians a few years ago? Does this mean Don Cheadle or another cast member from Ocean's 13 be sent in to arbitrate between the Sunnis and the Kurds?

Please explain my American friends.

[PrairieMule]

Dear Mr Nigerian,

I wish to address the issue of your criminally pious and corrupt methods of business in the realm of global commerce. As a father and an activist, I am disturbed with the advice dispensed on your column. Many of your thoughts to date and those proposed seem to violate every defining principle of what is fair and just. I view in astonishment as corpulent strongmen squander Africa's abundant wealth you have been gracoiusly endowed in the form of natural resources yet have no element of humanity towards your countrymen. Although I have never been to Nigeria, perhaps one day I could travel to see things in the first person.

In regards to your encounter with the Morris County Sherriff's dept, They are a bunch of facist assholes.

In America, we are violated by assholes given free reign to violate even minimal respect for our civil rights. This stems from a sinsisterly inept Bush administration. That however requires another letter to express my thoughts. I openly invite you to come visit America and you and I shall open and share a bottle of vodka denied to you on your last visit while discussing both of our perspectives on world affairs. Perhaps then we can take that trip to the edge of Clark county Nevada to view how commerce is done.

With mixed regards,

Sean



Ojie!

My closest friends, I must ask you to excuse this offense. My son Ojie has taken his studies of the english language to a new perverse form. He and his classmates find it a sourse of amusement and glee to correspond in english in the form of actor Sean Penn. This has landed him trouble as he has sent dispatches to foriegn embassies and national newsdesks abroad.

[PrairieMule]

It is da wrong thing to impersonate Sean Penn and I shame my esteemed father with lies. I promise on good faith and open heart not to decieve westerners or impersonate Americans ever. Me daddy is a good daddy and a mighty dignitary of the proud peoples of Nigeria. I will not start trouble in Abuja Discos with my bad friends or smoke english cigarettes in my father's car. I have been bad. It is also not reasonable to discharge firearms into the offices of old vacant factories to impress girls. It is da wrong thing to take capture then release the monkeys in my esteemed fathers office or lie when I am confronted.

I'll not be bad only good Okay?

Ojie

[PrairieMule]

Ask a Nigerian
5 RULES FOR AMERICAN LIFE WITHOUT NIGERIA'S OIL:A NO NONSENSE GUIDE TO AMERICAN COLLAPSE ON 12 HYPER INFLATED DOLLARS A DAY

Avoiding Debt collectors

RULE#2-Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.

In the very near future, England's Brigand colonies will no longer benefit from Nigeria's dark bounty. America will come to realize how every aspect of their lives is affected by cheap abundant energy. This will lead to debt. Lots of debt. This is debt you will never repay. Thus the jackal debt collectors will come to raid your compound.

Thus I offer a new way out of debt we shall call Nigerian Debt Negotiation

Now while it is universally accepted that Nigerians are much like cue ball on the pool table. That is because if you hit them in the pocket you will get more english out of their mouths. Yet the opposite can be true. My mouth hangs agape to read about undocumented workers avoid automobile property damage claims- by speaking very little or very poor english. So babi, I will teach you how to speak English like a Nigerian speaks english.

When the Debt "Solutions" man calls, quickly access Google Language tools. Then type in a very long sentence loaded with verbs, adjectives, and american slang to translate from English to Spanish. Then retranslate it back from Spanish to English. Do this 2-3 times to gain a authentic shitty english.

Lets give this a try:

Because I was canned by my employer, I have no money to pay for the overdrafts in my checking acct. You can expect to recieve payment when you kiss my big white ass. Thank you for letting me verbally abuse you on the phone you fat goateed loser.

Becomes this:

Because I was captured by my employer, I have no currency to pay the overdraft on my checking account number. You can expect to receive payment with a kiss from a great white donkey. Thank you for letting me verbalize the loss of my abusive goat.

Now to pull this off you need a thick Nigerian accent. Like the kind you find from fine Nigerian cinema.