PeakOil is You
My husband's dad wants to borrow money from us
Re: My husband's dad wants to borrow money from us
by blukatzen » Fri 17 Jul 2009, 15:00:18
$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('TWilliam', 'N')ot that I disagree with you Blu (I don't), but you do recognize the contradiction here I hope.
I know, I DO see the contradiction, as a married couple *should* be an entity to themselves. However, the husband is not acting like that, and is acting as if the money belongs solely to him, and not his wife and more importantly, his children! (and their welfare which should come TANTAMOUNT to any grandparent!!)
Families SHOULD move FORWARD and not BACKWARDS, ie. the wealth gathering belongs to the next generation, it's been that way for eons in most every culture! "Put it away for the future". Most traditional families' elders would rather slice off their arm before taking the bread out of the grandbabies mouths.
I know this, as I see it at my stores, and how doting the grandparent's are on the grandchildren.
I have also seen idiot spouses, as well. I was married to one the first marriage (or what "passed" as one.) My ex took money from his parents for real estate dabblings and was successful, until one day I heard from a mortgage banker on a closing on a house I was *not* familiar with, and I had learned it was bought for...his mistress and HER children! (and he never wanted children, go figure!
)Maybe I am a little jaded in this regards, with this as a background, but I do see how family can really screw things up for some.
I've also had to live through my father going nuts after my mom died, and him remarrying and disowning my sister and myself. (the dog died, let's get a new puppy) He (I believe) was pressured into this by the new wife and her children. We were entirely cut out of his will, as if we had never existed! I had taught college at the time, and my sister was employed in the medical field, so we weren't exactly "loser kids", who didn't deserve a legacy.
I feel very strongly about this, and I see her husband making a singular decision about himself and his relationship to his father, trying to buy back his affections...it won't work when MIL is standing in the way.
BLiss, you have to be aware of this and stand up for your children and their future nest egg, because you never WILL get that money back, trust me.
Sometimes, it takes hearing of other's tales, and knowledge of human nature, and how weird money makes people, to understand that this is not about money, it is about emotions, and what will never be.
There's a lot of bankruptcy going on here, and we haven't even drained the bank account yet. If you catch my drift....
Bliss, stand up for your parent's legacy gift to you and your children. Do it for them.
Blu
-
blukatzen - Expert
- Posts: 689
- Joined: Mon 11 Apr 2005, 03:00:00
- Location: Chicago
Re: My husband's dad wants to borrow money from us
by dunewalker » Fri 17 Jul 2009, 15:36:40
After 6 pages of discussion, the solution is clear: pack your bags, & your childrens' bags, get your $5k and get the hell away from this man & his family, ASAP, while there stil might be time & resources enough to recover & take care of your kids' futures. You already know this, so just do it.
"Wilderness is another civilization apart from our own." - H.D. Thoreau
-
dunewalker - Heavy Crude
- Posts: 1253
- Joined: Thu 30 Jun 2005, 03:00:00
- Location: northern California
Re: My husband's dad wants to borrow money from us
by ki11ercane » Fri 17 Jul 2009, 15:50:22
Bliss, one of the things that brought my marriage to the precipice was trying to solve both my father's emotional and financial problems. By doing this, I literally disconnected to my family. I almost realized this TOO LATE in the game! I was saved before falling off the cliff. Now my father is at arm's length and there is no longer talk of money. I am happy with my relationship with my dad, and my wife and child are happy with my relationship with them.
This will go way beyond money.
This will go way beyond money.
-
ki11ercane - Coal
- Posts: 448
- Joined: Sun 02 Dec 2007, 04:00:00
- Location: Winnipeg, MB, Canada
Re: My husband's dad wants to borrow money from us
by Grautr » Fri 17 Jul 2009, 15:55:58
$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('blukatzen', 'I') know, I DO see the contradiction, as a married couple *should* be an entity to themselves.
The nuclear family consisting of only the parents and children is a social experiment that has only been around since WWII. Before that it was the extended family which included grandparents, uncles aunts and cousins which was your social safety net if things went wrong and this is still common throughout the rest of the (none Western) world. In fact the creation of the nuclear family was probably a deliberat ploy to break the extended family and therfore make people more dependent on the banks. As a result it is a complelty unatural way to live. A married couple shouldnt be an entity to themselves but active members of a cohesive extended family.
-
Grautr - Lignite
- Posts: 271
- Joined: Thu 09 Feb 2006, 04:00:00
- Location: Maastricht, the Netherlands
Re: My husband's dad wants to borrow money from us
by 3aidlillahi » Fri 17 Jul 2009, 19:13:29
$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'T')he nuclear family consisting of only the parents and children is a social experiment that has only been around since WWII.
I have a few friends from overseas and they find it odd how our society is structured this way. It's not uncommon at all for there to be a multigenerational household. However, it is a system that has existed for quite some time so it's engrained in their cultures. It's very much not so here so being thrust into that position would be stressful. Long term, it will likely revert (
) back to that situation in order to save on costs. So much of our financial costs are related to the fact that our families and neighborhoods have become so detached within themselves (think of the costs of nursing homes).I would consider going behind your husband's back and confronting your FIL about his true financial situation. Make him open up to you so that you can make a sound judgement. If you think $5k is enough to pull him through and that he'll pay you back (either financially now or maybe in his will), then go through with it. If not, then go back to your husband and make him know that you need to have your say in this matter. His ignoring you really shows that this marriage has a good chance of not lasting - but I'm unmarried so maybe I don't have a great idea. I just don't think that it can be healthy for your husband to pretty much ignore what you think or to bully you (emotionally) into agreeing with him.
Riches are not from abundance of worldly goods, but from a contented mind.
-
3aidlillahi - Heavy Crude
- Posts: 1416
- Joined: Tue 25 Mar 2008, 03:00:00
Re: My husband's dad wants to borrow money from us
by 3aidlillahi » Fri 17 Jul 2009, 19:15:19
$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('dunewalker', 'A')fter 6 pages of discussion, the solution is clear: pack your bags, & your childrens' bags, get your $5k and get the hell away from this man & his family, ASAP, while there stil might be time & resources enough to recover & take care of your kids' futures. You already know this, so just do it.
I'm not sure how much that would help her. She does rely upon him for money as do her children. In the end, he'd likely sue for custody and she'd have to spend more than that $5k on a lawyer. Then what's she to do? Move back with her parents or friends? Egh. Tough situation.
Riches are not from abundance of worldly goods, but from a contented mind.
-
3aidlillahi - Heavy Crude
- Posts: 1416
- Joined: Tue 25 Mar 2008, 03:00:00
