[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('hornofhubris', 'W')hat is the difference between looting and the practice
of deferred payment, aggressive and merchant involuntary
shopping that sometimes takes place in my country at
times of natural disaster or social unrest?

Also does the ploy of hanging a "Big Sale 100% Off"
sign on the storefront before you go in work in your
country?

[PrairieMule]

Ask a Nigerian

Dear Nigerian,

My wife and I went to Costco last week for our weekly shopping. When we arrived there was a small crowd of rude and impatient shoppers. We were told there would be limits on how much rice and cooking oil.

I have never seen Americans so angry! We left feeling the poison eyes and whispered curses at our backs. Thankfully they did not damage the tires on our Honda Civic. It is odd that americans think we are muslim as every person outside America with a minimal secondary education knows that people from India are hindu. We learned years ago to have learned that a yellow support the troops car magnet will deter anti-muslim vandalism.

How do I explain this to my sons? I left the bedlam of Mumbai in the 80's. I worked my ass off to get my IT certification while working 2 jobs to make a better life.

Narain Rajastahn
Palo Alto, Ca

PS-I watched Darjeeling Limited last week. Someone should stop Wes Anderson from ruining the good name of Wes Anderson! Does he really think every one in India is riddled with such passive malise and apathy? Give me another Rushmore. Americans have almost everything ass-backwards. You want to know who has the all the power to shape public opinion in America? Its all the washed up hacks writing articles for People magazine.

Mr Rajastahn,

I had a little talk with Jesus, told him about all our problems

Ohhh my friend, I watch your CNN and I see the fear your eyes. My mouth does not hang agape as I have foreseen this coming for years. Now is the time to quit the grinnin and drop the linen. No more talk babi! Pick up your machete or small arm start the riot now so you make the evening news with Katie Couric.

Or you could stay home and watch The View. I like to watch The View from my compound, Sherri Shepherd looks very fertile like she could bear me many sons. I am in the market for a new mistress. Can anyone help a Nigerian hook up with her digits? I pay very hansome bribe.

I too am left disapointed since Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Please enjoy some fine nigerian cimema

This weeks' Ask A Nigerian!'s sponsor is Uncle Akbo's gently used retreaded tires. For his question, Mr Rajastahn will recieved a pile of used tires.



Rioters and thugs in the know always choose Uncle Akbo's kerosene soaked gently used retreaded tires in any act of civil disobedience. Uncle Akbo's tires are guaranteed to light evey time!

[PrairieMule]

DUPLICATE

[BigTex]

Nigerian,

What is your favorite Wes Anderson film?

I like Bottle Rocket the best, I think.

The rest have been okay, but each has dead spots in the plot that keeps the overall effort from being coherent.

What suggestions might you have made to Dignan and crew in Bottle Rocket to improve their thieving skills, since they seemed to have done an exceptionally poor job of stealing.

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'W')hat is your favorite Wes Anderson film?

I like Bottle Rocket the best, I think.

The rest have been okay, but each has dead spots in the plot that keeps the overall effort from being coherent.

[efarmer]

We have a radio personality named Rush Limbaugh. He ascribes
to an unavailable conservative dogma that does not exist in either
of the two political parties in the United States. When conservatives
are leading, he smears them for not being the right kind, when more
liberal people are leading, he smears them for not being conservative.

I think he has the right set of skills to really shine as a commentator
on Nigerian short wave radio and he would look good with a pith
helmet on his head and his puss gut boiling over a set of khaki
shorts and pushing up a camo T shirt.

Does Nigeria have rendition teams to snatch a key driver of
political progress when one is available?

Have you heard the rantings of Bwana Limbaugh in your country,
and do his divisive rants resonate with the people there?

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('efarmer', 'W')e have a radio personality named Rush Limbaugh. He ascribes
to an unavailable conservative dogma that does not exist in either
of the two political parties in the United States. When conservatives
are leading, he smears them for not being the right kind, when more
liberal people are leading, he smears them for not being conservative.

I think he has the right set of skills to really shine as a commentator
on Nigerian short wave radio and he would look good with a pith
helmet on his head and his puss gut boiling over a set of khaki
shorts and pushing up a camo T shirt.

Does Nigeria have rendition teams to snatch a key driver of
political progress when one is available?

Have you heard the rantings of Bwana Limbaugh in your country,
and do his divisive rants resonate with the people there?

[BigTex]

Nigerian,

I recently won a two week all expense paid trip to Nigeria for me and my family.

We are very excited!

The contest officials recommended that we select some small arms for self defense during our visit to your beautiful country.

Can you help me select the most appropriate weapon for self defense during our dream vacation?

The contest official suggested one of the following, but I'm having trouble deciding what's best for us:



The Street Sweeper:






Just a basic .50 caliber handgun:




The M2-2 Flamethrower:








Nigerian, we are having such a hard time deciding. Have you ever had a dilemma like this?

I'm leaning toward the M2-2 flamethrower, just because I want to keep it as simple as possible.

What do you think?

Thanks so much for your help!

[efarmer]

Mr. Nigerian,
Well it strikes me as plain wrong that Mr. Limbaugh would be
kept out of Nigeria on the factor of simply his race. But like you,
my main concern is for his safety, he has talent on loan from
God, and it would be a shame for him to meet the talent repo
man while using his lips to bring joy and harmony to the African
continent.

I had another fellow named Rove to recommend as well,
but he is even pastier than our vaunted "Swamp Turkey
Oracle" of radio fame.

I suppose you are going to have to limp along with your
present political strategists and radio pundits, and will
not experience, the society building harmony and goodwill
that comes from some of our top American talents.

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('BigTex', 'N')igerian,

I recently won a two week all expense paid trip to Nigeria for me and my family.

We are very excited!

The contest officials recommended that we select some small arms for self defense during our visit to your beautiful country.

Can you help me select the most appropriate weapon for self defense during our dream vacation?

The contest official suggested one of the following, but I'm having trouble deciding what's best for us:

Nigerian, we are having such a hard time deciding. Have you ever had a dilemma like this?

I'm leaning toward the M2-2 flamethrower, just because I want to keep it as simple as possible.

What do you think?

Thanks so much for your help!

[emersonbiggins]

Mr. Nigerian:

While on vacation in Europe, I occasionally felt the need to traverse out to the suburbs to see what the French/Spanish equivalents of big-box stores like Wal-Mart or Home Depot looked like, or fast food outlets similar to McDonald's or Pizza Hut. Besides "Mr. Biggs", which seems to be a lovely Nigerian fast-food restaurant, what other corporate icons can homesick capitalist Americans look forward to discovering while on journey in Nigeria?

Thanks,
eb

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('emersonbiggins', 'M')r. Nigerian:

While on vacation in Europe, I occasionally felt the need to traverse out to the suburbs to see what the French/Spanish equivalents of big-box stores like Wal-Mart or Home Depot looked like, or fast food outlets similar to McDonald's or Pizza Hut. Besides "Mr. Biggs", which seems to be a lovely Nigerian fast-food restaurant, what other corporate icons can homesick capitalist Americans look forward to discovering while on journey in Nigeria?

Thanks,
eb

[emersonbiggins]

Many thanks, Mr. Nigerian. I am looking forward to that delicious rigor chicken.

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('efarmer', 'M')r. Nigerian,
Well it strikes me as plain wrong that Mr. Limbaugh would be
kept out of Nigeria on the factor of simply his race. But like you,
my main concern is for his safety, he has talent on loan from
God, and it would be a shame for him to meet the talent repo
man while using his lips to bring joy and harmony to the African
continent.

I had another fellow named Rove to recommend as well,
but he is even pastier than our vaunted "Swamp Turkey
Oracle" of radio fame.

I suppose you are going to have to limp along with your
present political strategists and radio pundits, and will
not experience, the society building harmony and goodwill
that comes from some of our top American talents.

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('emersonbiggins', 'M')any thanks, Mr. Nigerian. I am looking forward to that delicious rigor chicken.

[BigTex]

Nigerian,

Thank you so much for your recommendations regarding weaponry and etiquette in your country with respect to violence.

I see now that bringing a flamethrower into your country would have been a major faux pas.

As an alternative to packing compact .44 caliber revolvers for each member of my family, would it perhaps be advisable to adopt the strategy used by C. Thomas Howell's character in the excellent film "Soul Man"?



I just want to make sure our vacation is perfect in every way.

I know you are a very busy man and I hope I haven't taken too much time with my questions. But I'm sure you can appreciate how excited we are to be coming to Nigeria.

We just want every little detail to be perfect!

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('BigTex', 'N')igerian,

Thank you so much for your recommendations regarding weaponry and etiquette in your country with respect to violence.

I see now that bringing a flamethrower into your country would have been a major faux pas.

As an alternative to packing compact .44 caliber revolvers for each member of my family, would it perhaps be advisable to adopt the strategy used by C. Thomas Howell's character in the excellent film "Soul Man"?



I just want to make sure our vacation is perfect in every way.

I know you are a very busy man and I hope I haven't taken too much time with my questions. But I'm sure you can appreciate how excited we are to be coming to Nigeria.

We just want every little detail to be perfect!

[PrairieMule]

This week's Ask A Nigerian! sponsor is Oko Abuja House Publishing, creator of Nigerian Madlibs .



Who says Nigerian 419 scams have to be so dull? Spice up your e-mail or faxed 419 scam with Nigerian Madlibs.

Lets take a look at a sample:

FROM: Mr. Ben Ahore
Central Bank of Nigeria
Lagos, Nigeria


Dear ASSHOLE

I have been requested by the Nigerian National Petroleum Company to SEX you for assistance in resolving a matter. The Nigerian National Petroleum Company has recently concluded a large number of contacts ofDOG TURD exploration in the sub-Sahara region. The contracts have immediately produced moneys equalling US$40,000,000. The Nigerian National Petroleum Company is desirous of oil exploration in other parts of the world, however, because of AMERICAN IDOL , regulations of the Nigerian Government, it is unable to move these funds to another region.

You assistance is requested as a non-Nigerian citizen to assist the Nigerian National Petroleum Company, and also the Central CHUCK-E-CHEESE of Nigeria, in moving these funds out of Nigeria. If the funds can be FRENCH KISSED, to your name, in your United States account, then you can forward the funds as directed by the Nigerian National Petroleum Company. In exchange for your accomodating services, the Nigerian National Petroleum Company would agree to allow you to retain 10%, or CONCERT TICKETS TO HANNAH MONTANA

However, to be a legitimate transferee of these moneys according to Nigerian law, you must presently be a depositor of at least 100,000 LUBRICATED RUBBERS in a Nigerian bank which is regulated by the Central Bank of Nigeria.

If it will be possible for you to assist us, we would be most grateful. We suggest that you meet with us in person in MY BUTT CRACK, and that during your visit I introduce you to DARTH VADER , of the Nigerian National Petroleum Company, as well as with certain officials of the Central Bank of Nigeria.

Please call me at your earliest convenience at 867-5309. Time is of the essence in this matter; very quickly the Nigerian ASSOCIATION OF RETIRED BUS DRIVERS, will realize that the Central Bank is maintaining this amount on deposit, and attempt to levy certain depository taxes on it.

EAT SHIT, etc.

Ben Ahore

[BigTex]

Nigerian,

I believe that the Nigerian MadLibs is absolutely brilliant. I am sure that your country's entrepreneurs will have much success using it as a business development tool.

My question involves the labor unrest and strikes I hear so much about on FoxNews and from other objective news outlets.

What is it that these workers want? What are their demands? Why do they keep going on strike? I am curious because I believe that if we could just satisfy their requests, gas prices would come back down to normal American levels that are consistent with strong economic growth.

I think I might have an idea about what the striking employees are really concerned about. Regardless of what they say or write on signs, I believe they are too embarrassed to tell the truth. I believe that what they really want is Pet Insurance.

Many U.S. companies are now offering pet insurance as a part of their overall compensation and benefits package, and my understanding is that it has been a great boon to worker morale.

Do you think that perhaps pet insurance could be a long term solution to the labor woes in your country?

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('BigTex', 'N')igerian,

I believe that the Nigerian MadLibs is absolutely brilliant. I am sure that your country's entrepreneurs will have much success using it as a business development tool.

My question involves the labor unrest and strikes I hear so much about on FoxNews and from other objective news outlets.

What is it that these workers want? What are their demands? Why do they keep going on strike? I am curious because I believe that if we could just satisfy their requests, gas prices would come back down to normal American levels that are consistent with strong economic growth.

I think I might have an idea about what the striking employees are really concerned about. Regardless of what they say or write on signs, I believe they are too embarrassed to tell the truth. I believe that what they really want is Pet Insurance.

Many U.S. companies are now offering pet insurance as a part of their overall compensation and benefits package, and my understanding is that it has been a great boon to worker morale.

Do you think that perhaps pet insurance could be a long term solution to the labor woes in your country?