[PrairieMule]

Ask a Nigerian
5 RULES FOR AMERICAN LIFE WITHOUT NIGERIA'S OIL:A NO NONSENSE GUIDE TO AMERICAN COLLAPSE ON 12 HYPER INFLATED DOLLARS A DAY

Your new occupation as a thug, theif, or prostitute.

Rule#3- If crocodiles eat their own eggs, what would they do to the flesh of a frog?

This is a very old Nigerian proverb. You american consumers are like the crocodiles of Nigeria-you lie in the sun and fill your bellies with the flesh of happless creatures. I understand America has civilized this form of aggressiveness as CEO's, mortgage brokers, credit card solicitors, and account reps for Bally's fitness. It is also of note that crocodiles are ambush predators. This gingers or segways into the reptillian mentality you must have to become a good thug, theif or prostitute once the oil stops. See babi, you must access the reptillian brain to survive. Naked aggression. Many Americans have begun the transition to the new life and are very similar to the mutant undead riders of used mopeds we have in Nigeria. My mouth hangs agape when I look at the amount of business Harley Davidson Financial does every year. This is how they lure, trap, and skin thousands of middle aged well girthed crocodiles in America!

HO HO HO HO! .

There are many schools of thought on how to become a thug, theif or prostitute. You can pick or choose your own path and compare notes with your neighbors who now compete with you to eat the same turtle. I say access this raw instict or you will fail in your new occupation as a thug, theif or prostitute.

My friends, it appears my neighbor has engaged in gunfire next door. I must cut today's lesson short to lock down my compound.

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('TireFire', 'D')ear Nigerian, care to expalin this?

http://www.canada.com/theprovince/news/ ... e0d&k=7001

[PrairieMule]

This weeks "Ask a Nigerian" is sponsored by St.Moritz tobacco. For his question Mr.Fire shall recieve a carton of St.Moritz unfiltered cigarettes! St.Moritz-The choice of a new modern genaration!

[PrairieMule]

Ask a Nigerian

Dear Nigerian,

How the heck does Radio Shack stay in business? I would have thought they would be long gone by now.

Enter the store and get accosted by a pushy sales creep. Always reminds me of being in some kind of middle-eastern bazzar or Mexican market. "You my friend I give you good deal. I have everything you want. You want this? No? How about this? I give you special deal my friend just for you."

I was at a Shack yesterday because I needed to get one of the few items they carry that no one else has (maybe that's how they stay in business) and the sales goon pushes a sales flyer into my hand. So I flip through it and - hey what do you know - I actually do need to get a bluetooth headset and they're on sale.

So I go over to look at them and every "on sale" model is out of stock (uh huh) except for one, which is "sale" priced at only $79.95 + tax. So I call my business partner on the phone and ask her what kind she has and it's the same one - which she recently bought at the AT&T store for $55. I ask her to look it up on buy.com and they have it for $44 with free shipping and no tax. Same exact item, half the price.

WTF-is it with Radio Shack?

Mark Perez
San Antonio, Tx

Dear Mr Perez,

Once again my mouth hangs agape when as I observe Western Commerce. In Nigeria we engage in aggressive negotiations in everything. Why you would handily pay $44 for the item when you could have offered $30 to the Radio Hut merchant. When I need a electical component, I always go to Ebay. As in Ebay Okowo. Ebay has natural talent to find mobile phone accesories on the nightstands of local hotels by westerners. This should be as no surprise as Ebay Okowo has much dealings in service based industies.

This weeks sponsor "Ask a Nigerian" is Igbo Valley Palm wine. For his question Mr Perez will recieve a box of 2007 1/2 vintage Igbo Valley Palm Wine.

The male is the know when chooses Igbo Valley palm wine he holds all the cards in the game of love. Women of Nigeria is also in the know that the male who chooses Igbo Valley is a man of great virility and can father many children. Igbo Valley Palm Wine-The choice of virile and mighty dignitaries

[efarmer]

I am a middle aged American man who dreams of being a grandiose
figure in an exotic locale such as Nigeria. I have a list of questions I
hope you might answer to help me see if emigrating there would be
a good decision or not.

1. In my country there are rude people who tell me to SHUT UP
and who I have to rebel against and insult constantly to
survive. Would I be free of this in your country?

2. Would you be able to suggest a trustworthy person that I
could transfer my savings and funds to in Nigeria, so that it
would be waiting for me when I arrive?

3. I have bluish white skin, do I have to wear the faux jungle
cat patterned shit that I see is so popular in your country?

4. Are Nigerians as nice to white people as white people have
always been to other races and cultures?

5. Are there nightclubs where I can country and western line
dance in Nigeria?

6. Hypothetically, how does a 2.25 inch penis (when proud)
rate on comparison with the mean size of Nigerian "units"?

7. Do they sell Doritos and jelly donuts in your country?

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('efarmer', 'I') am a middle aged American man who dreams of being a grandiose
figure in an exotic locale such as Nigeria. I have a list of questions I
hope you might answer to help me see if emigrating there would be
a good decision or not.

1. In my country there are rude people who tell me to SHUT UP
and who I have to rebel against and insult constantly to
survive. Would I be free of this in your country?

2. Would you be able to suggest a trustworthy person that I
could transfer my savings and funds to in Nigeria, so that it
would be waiting for me when I arrive?

3. I have bluish white skin, do I have to wear the faux jungle
cat patterned shit that I see is so popular in your country?

4. Are Nigerians as nice to white people as white people have
always been to other races and cultures?

5. Are there nightclubs where I can country and western line
dance in Nigeria?

6. Hypothetically, how does a 2.25 inch penis (when proud)
rate on comparison with the mean size of Nigerian "units"?

7. Do they sell Doritos and jelly donuts in your country?

[PrairieMule]

This weeks Ask a Nigerian sponsor is Top Chop electronic media computer consultants in Lagos. For his question this week efarmer will recieve a fine collection of pirated media downloads including season one of the Bionic Woman, I am Legend(w/french subtitles), and the Hannah Montana concert in 3-D.

With thousands downloadable movies on file, Tell Blockbuster to go pleasure themselves with their late fees. Top Chop! Bringing fine media arts to the masses since 1987!

[efarmer]

Thank you Mr. Nigerian. You intrigue me and build my
desire to research this further with both your candid
answers and also the deluxe bonus round media
prize.

1. On the bluish white skin I was hoping that some Nigerians
would have a Hindu jones going and I could wear some of
my Hawaiian shirts and get the Aloha Yankee Krishna kind
of babe magnet action going for myself. I never considered
the mamba bite thing so I may opt for spray tan technology.

2. You completely ducked my jelly donut query. Jelly donuts
are not a Nigeria deal breaker for me but if you are avoiding
the hard to deliver truth before I even get there...
It is just that I do not want a single crumb of doubt to exist
between me and my beloved Nigerian connection.

[PrairieMule]

ASK A NIGERIAN

Mr Farmer,

We are highly amused with white americans wearing Hawaiian Shirts. Those of us in the know all realize it is symbol of American colonialism on the hapless natives. Never wear one of these during business negotiations. Nigerians assume you wish to install a Naval base on our shores. (That might not be bad for business)

We do not have jelly donuts in Nigeria. We have what is called a Puff-Puff. Now when in Abuja I highly insist you purchase a Puff-Puff Donut at almost any disco. All of the puff-puffs in Abuja discos are lightly dusted with cocaine. After a few of the delightful confections we, the elites of Nigeria, like to go tribal with our drums, discharge our firearms into traffic outdoors, or flip a few a cars. It is a great way to blow a weeks worth of bribes and let off some steam. I tell you back in the late 1970's a certain unamed Vice Admiral, three european contractors, and myself went on a bender and stole the Minister of Health's Mercedes. For academic reasons, we wanted to see how fast the car would go in reverse if three of tires were damaged by smallarm fire. We actually got the thing up on the highway and merged into traffic listening to ABBA'S Dancing Queen at ear splitting levels with the pioneer stereo. We attained a speed of 40KPH before we rolled it into a lagoon rupturing a oil pipeline.

Fuck I can eat a whole box right now..

[BigTex]

[I've been wandering around the amusement park all this time and never saw this ride.]

NIGERIAN, please tell me when you think your country will cease to be an oil exporter as a result of the increasing energy needs of its exploding population. When Nigeria ceases to be an oil exporter, what are the major industries that you believe will take the place of oil exports?

I respect the depth of your knowledge and wisdom, and I am sure you have considered this idea, but do you think one potential source of revenue for your country might be a line of sports and casual wear along the lines of Sean Combs' "Sean John" line? You could call it STRONGMAN, a mens' clothing line with a tropical flair and built in reinforced fabric inserts for anti-ballistic ceramic plates.

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('BigTex', '[')I've been wandering around the amusement park all this time and never saw this ride.]

NIGERIAN, please tell me when you think your country will cease to be an oil exporter as a result of the increasing energy needs of its exploding population. When Nigeria ceases to be an oil exporter, what are the major industries that you believe will take the place of oil exports?

I respect the depth of your knowledge and wisdom, and I am sure you have considered this idea, but do you think one potential source of revenue for your country might be a line of sports and casual wear along the lines of Sean Combs' "Sean John" line? You could call it STRONGMAN, a mens' clothing line with a tropical flair and built in reinforced fabric inserts for anti-ballistic ceramic plates.

[BigTex]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('PrairieMule', 'T')his weeks Ask a Nigerian sponsor is The Lagos Chamber of Commerce. Mr Tex and a guest will recieve a 3 day 2 night Ambasador package trip to Lagos Nigeria!

Lagos, Nigeria! What ever financial transaction happens in Lagos, stays in Lagos!

for saftey and liabilty reasons this Nigerian insists you click and print click and print your own copy of safety in flight instructions when flying Nigeria Air.

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Ayoob', 'D')ear Good Nigerian Sir,
I am the Canadian Ambassador to the UN. It is my job to improve Canada by means of immigration. Please tell me, how can I improve Canada by importing Nigerians?
Canada has a paltry 1% black population, and even less than that must be Nigerian.
How will Canadian society be improved by means of the importation of Nigerians?

Thank you so much,
Wide_Eyed and Trusting Canadian

[BigTex]

Nigerian,

I live in Zimbabwe and I would like to set up an "Ask a Nigerian" franchise in my country, except I would call it "Ask a Zimbabwean."

Have you considered franchising your operation to good question answerers in other failed states?

I have always looked up to Nigeria as a model for what Zimbabwe might be like if it had oil, so it is a real privilege to speak to a real Nigerian.

[hornofhubris]

I don't trust the MSM in my country to tell me the real story on
African topics. Could you do me a favor and give me a bit
of the real Mugabe. For example:

The details of his vaunted emo side.

How the inflation in his country is offset by
the benevolence of his government for the people.

How an inevitable candidate really moves the
finish line in a hotly contested election to win,
and if this would work for a female American
candidate in a USA election?


How his Zimbabwe has been pulled up by it's
bootstraps to rival your own nation under his
masterful leadership?

Why despite all of his innovation and reforms
the Zimbabwe Internet commerce pales in
comparison with the Nigerian juggernaut?

His favorite food, color, and musical group.

If he accepts government campaign finance
or raises his money in the private sector.

[PrairieMule]

ASK A NIGERIAN

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', ' ')
The details of his vaunted emo side.

[PrairieMule]

This weeks sponsor of Ask a Nigerian! is Ebay Okowo's Gun Emporium located in sunny Lagos Nigeria . For his rapid and piercing questions Mr. Horn will recieved a used South African Army Surplus Fabrique Nationale .308 FAL Assault Rifle. With hundreds of gently used small arms to choose from, Ebay has stuff for all your compound needs.

Hooray for Ebay!


All small arms are remanufactured by trained Nigerian gunsmiths

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('BigTex', 'N')igerian,

I live in Zimbabwe and I would like to set up an "Ask a Nigerian" franchise in my country, except I would call it "Ask a Zimbabwean."

Have you considered franchising your operation to good question answerers in other failed states?

I have always looked up to Nigeria as a model for what Zimbabwe might be like if it had oil, so it is a real privilege to speak to a real Nigerian.

[hornofhubris]

What is the difference between looting and the practice
of deferred payment, aggressive and merchant involuntary
shopping that sometimes takes place in my country at
times of natural disaster or social unrest?

Also does the ploy of hanging a "Big Sale 100% Off"
sign on the storefront before you go in work in your
country?