Woolsey: Why Is Oil So Pricey? It’s a Conspiracy! (satire)

As oil prices hit a record $100 per barrel last week, I came into possession of a transcript of a recent conference call of a heretofore unknown organization called the Pedal to the Metal Coalition, or PedMet, which encourages Americans to stay addicted to oil. The participants seemed to be the head of the shadowy group’s K Street office, an official at OPEC headquarters, a representative from each OPEC member state and some hangers-on. Their greatest fear is that the United States will become oil-independent — and they’re concerned that the crunchy types’ campaign to feed cows grass rather than corn could mean not only a healthier America but one less dependent on OPEC.

I’m making the transcript available in the public interest.


K Street: Good to hear from you guys. There seemed to be a hang-up with getting us those year-end bonus checks. What’s up?

OPEC Headquarters: We’ve been deliberating, and we’ve decided that your armies of consultants, lobbyists and publicists will get their exorbitant fees . . . this time.

But we aren’t pleased with recent developments on the Hill. We pay you big bucks to push Americans away from using renewable fuels, but those damned measures to encourage the use of renewable fuels passed in the December 2007 energy bill. You charged us a fortune for your efforts to convince Congress that the world will be driven to starvation if it substitutes any more corn-based ethanol for gasoline. That failed, too. We need to know what’s gone wrong.

Washington Post