[PrairieMule]

I thought I'd start a new thread here in the HOF section based off my last post. Not for everyone so I'll post in the grotto.

http://www.peakoil.com/fortopic25717-45.html

[PrairieMule]

ASK A NIGERIAN

Dear Nigerian: Premium Unleaded has soared up to $3.43 a gallon. As a proffesional working single mom, I can no longer make ends meet! How do Working Nigerian single moms cope with just one income?

Carol Ann Davis-Riley
"Remax Multi-million dollar Producer"
Simi Valley, Ca

Dear Carol Ann: Your plight is all to common in my home country. See now in Nigeria, the husband always leaves as I am sure your husband has left you and the child. When the wife is a, uh how do you say, "Working Professional" it is only a matter of time before the she gets the HIV. So how do you ask Nigerian Women cope? As per our tribal custom, we shave then tattoo the heads of the unclean to warn the men of the village.

Woman, do you not have a free clinic in your village to get condoms or UN medications? Has not Bono or Angelia Jolie ever comes to your village and given you warning? Do you not have lips to beg on the streets for you and your child? Be of good cheer! Soon, all Americans and Europeans will be begging hand to mouth soon as when the last Exxon pipeline is cracked on the Nigerian Delta. Then the oil will not flow! Listen to Babi, and learn you ridicoulous yankees direct eyes towards Persians and Turks for your oil and pay no mind to the Nigeria!

My advice:as you Americans say and do so well "When life gifts you lemons, squeeze the juice and add it to 7-up"

ASK A NIGERIAN blog is made possible by Wonder Web Blogs "If the server is up, It's a Wonder!"

[Grifter]

I think thats brilliant, I don't know why it needs to go in the HOF.

I worked closely with a Ghanain who really didn't like Nigerians. Man he cracked me up.

[PrairieMule]

ASK A NIGERIAN

DEAR NIGERIAN: I post daily on a another website that I am passionate about. The problem is I am constantly flamed by two other posters when ever I bring up the issue of the 9/11Truth. These jerks will never acknowledge WTC7, the physics of thermite and steel vs airplane fuel, or the pre 9/11actions of the Bush administration. How does a Nigerian let static slide?

Wendi
Jamacia,NY

DEAR WENDI: Once again my mouth is agape by western culture. How is this you are allowed to be flamed daily? Does not your father own a machete or small arm? In Nigeria we reserve flaming to thieves. First the men of the village beat and cripple the wicked dog before attaching a gas soaked tire around the villain's torso. The flames from a burning tire is hot enough to turn flesh and bone to ash. According to tribal law, one cannot touch the dead or they become indebted to bury the dead. From my own eyes, I could believe tower two could have fallen but only if the plane was full of tires and piloted by Nigerian Air. This makes logic babi, uh how do you say...Occam's Machete! I personally have flown Nigerian Air and been allowed to store used truck parts in overhead compartment. This not known to many, to obtain a commercial multi-engine Nigerian Pilots licence requires a $600 to a certain Vice Admiral of the Nigerian Air Force(just don't expect the paperwork to arrive without gifts to many goverment clerks!).

Many chiefs and warlords here in Nigeria have our own theories about 9/11 and all believe it stems from the theft of a warlord's goat.

[mercurygirl]

More please!

[Aaron]

In Nigeria... oil pumps you!

[Newsseeker]

Ever since I won the BMW lottery and it turnd out to be a scam I have had to rethink my position about Nigerians. Why can't they all just make an honest living rushing naked onto oil platforms to extort money from the oil companies? We all gotta eat, you know!

[PrairieMule]

ASK A NIGERIAN

Dear Nigerian:My office has switched to a new software application in our sales dept. I have a real problem with this because the new system is riddled with bugs. I can't access my inventory half the time when the server goes down. How does a Nigerian cope with worthless bullshit software?

Drew

Bellview,Wa.

Dear Drew: Part of being Nigerian is being able to adapt. Would you would be astonished to know that a typical car in Nigeria has no jack underneath the bonnet to change a tire? Yes! Do Nigerians get flats? Of couse we do, in fact we get flats often with our high speed car handling on balding Korean retreaded tires. Yet when we get the flat, the men of the village all get on one side and roll the vehicle on it's side 45 degrees. Then we support it with a stout piece of lumber. After the tire is replaced the wood is yanked away and the car is now servicable. This is only one way of how you distinguish if a Nigerian is AfriCAN instead of a AfriCAN'T by how we change our tires. You must learn to do the same. Just as you will when we proud Nigerians cut off the oil to England and her brigand former colonies of obese idolers of Bon Jovi! (BTW-Have the riots started since the achy-breaky man was executed last night on with Dancing the Stars?)

If you cannot make do then you must bribe proper the right person in your company. Remember the first offer will always insult . It is never a matter of if but rather who and how much.

[Petropest]

Just as you will when we proud Nigerians cut off the oil to England and her brigand former colonies of obese idolers of Bon Jovi!

Dear Nigerian: Does the Nigerian government share any of the oil revenue they receive with the estimated 70 million poor people of your country?

[PrairieMule]

ASK A NIGERIAN

Dear Nigerian: Does the Nigerian government share any of the oil revenue they receive with the estimated 70 million poor people of your country?

Dear Petropest:Not enough. Only because westerners are so distrusfull. Yet American's intrepid good will is limited to Alaskan Bridges to nowhere or nobid contracts to Haliburton .

Now, I happen to know of $12.6 million held in statsis by my good associate General Ayo. Now I tell you this in the strictest confidentiality He is in dire need of a astute persons like yourselves of compassion for the nigerian people. However by virtue of our positions as a civil servant, he cannot aquire this money to use in the ease of the suffering. Hence I make this plea to you babi: With you and your company as a partner we can free the money in 7 business days. This is 100% safe and you will recieve a 3% consultant's fee for the humanitarian transaction.

Can we count on your grace?

Your Respectly,

Dr. Uganbi Okon

[Petropest]

Hence I make this plea to you babi: With you and your company as a partner we can free the money in 7 business days. This is 100% safe and you will recieve a 3% consultant's fee for the humanitarian transaction.

My company funds are currently tied up in litigation. If you would send me $500 it would help greatly with legal fees.

[PrairieMule]

ASK A NIGERIAN

After many weeks of internal strife, internet service has been restored. Back in July MEND rebels destroyed the only phone line to my compound by smashing and igniting a TEXACO pipeline. To restore services took many bribes. Anyways, my mailbag has been overflowing with your questions.

Dear Nigerian: It's only November 2007 and I 'm already pissed about the 2008 elections. Why should I bother? My vote can't compete against the war machine lobby!

Dani Wicham
Gainesville, Fl

Dear Dani: I completely feel your anger. In the last round of elections it was decided to cut back repairs on the Lagos-Mombasa Highway. I stood to make many bribes that will now go in other's pockets. As I suffer my family suffers. My 3rd son Ojie is aleing from recieving a Renault van in stead of a BMW 328i on the day of his manhood.

Dear Nigerian: Does Nigeria allow same sex mariages?

Stuart Tyler-Weissman
Providence, RI

Dear Stuart: 2007 was a very important year . The FEC banned same sex mariages and upheld by Justice Ojo. President Obasanjo did this to ensure the smooth transfer of your american tax dollars. We are most pleased with American generosity and unwavering morality. I understand the new health Minister Abuja can quickly arrive to the aid of our many new clinics in his new fleet of Land Rovers. However we the proud peoples of Nigeria ask that next year's aid package be funded with Euros.

[Twilight]

That last answer sounds all too plausible.

[FireAnt]

Dear Mr. Nigerian: Do you recommend I save money using fiat currencies like the dollar or Euro, or should I switch completely to gold and silver? The government here keeps trying to prop up the economy with rate cuts, so I don't know what to think. I know you've had a lot of experience with a government trying to prop things up while you move money across international borders. By the way, is Mrs. Mariam Abacha your mom? I moved $20 million last year for her and she hasn't paid me a cent.

[Ferretlover]

Dear Mr. Nigerian: Did you help Georgie write this? He doesn't know many of these words:
URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA
IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED : HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
FAX: 202.456.2461
Dear Sir / Madam,
I am GEORGE WALKER BUSH, son of the former president of the United States of America George Herbert Walker Bush, and currently serving as President of the United States of America. This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by correspondence. I came to know of you in my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to an account requiring maximum confidence.
I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance in acquiring oil funds that are presently trapped in the republic of Iraq. My partners and I solicit your assistance in completing a transaction begun by my father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the United States of America, and bravely served his country as director of the United States Central Intelligence Agency.
In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then vice-president of the United States of America, sought to work with the good offices of the President of the Republic of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources in the neighboring Islamic republic of Iran. This unsuccessful venture was soon followed by a falling-out with his Iraqi partner, who sought to acquire additional oil revenue sources in the neighboring emirate of Kuwait, a wholly-owned U.S.-British subsidiary.
My father re-secured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991 at a cost of sixty-one billion u.s. dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out of that cost, thirty-six billion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and other persian gulf monarchies, and sixteen billion dollars ($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanese partners. But my father's former Iraqi business partner remained in control of the republic of Iraq and its petroleum reserves.
My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding the removal of the President of the Republic of Iraq and acquiring the petroleum assets of his country, as compensation for the costs of removing him from power. Unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burden of this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 billion to 200 billion dollars ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), both in the initial acquisition and in long-term management.
Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be able to acquire the oil revenue trapped within Iraq. That is why my family and our colleagues are urgently seeking your gracious assistance. Our distinguished colleagues in this business transaction include the sitting vice-president of the United States of America, Richard Cheney, who is an original partner in the Iraq venture and former head of the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice, whose professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in the naming of a Chevron oil tanker after her.
I would beseech you to transfer a sum equaling ten to twenty-five percent (10-25 %) of your yearly income to our account to aid in this important venture. The internal revenue service of the United States of America will function as our trusted intermediary. I propose that you make this transfer before the fifteenth (15th) of the month of April.
I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make anyone apprehensive and worried. But I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. A bold step taken shall not be regretted, I assure you. Please do be informed that this business transaction is 100% legal. If you do not wish to co-operate in this transaction, please contact our intermediary representatives to further discuss the matter.
I pray that you understand our plight. My family and our colleagues will be forever grateful. Please reply in strict confidence to the contact numbers below.
Sincerely with warm regards,
George Walker Bush
Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email: president@whitehouse.gov
[This parody written by Zoltan Grossman]

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('FireAnt', 'D')ear Mr. Nigerian: Do you recommend I save money using fiat currencies like the dollar or Euro, or should I switch completely to gold and silver? The government here keeps trying to prop up the economy with rate cuts, so I don't know what to think. I know you've had a lot of experience with a government trying to prop things up while you move money across international borders. By the way, is Mrs. Mariam Abacha your mom? I moved $20 million last year for her and she hasn't paid me a cent.

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('TireFire', 'D')ear Nigerian;


If 10 Nigerians get attacked by 20 ninjas, who would win?

Does cannibalism remain a common practice in your country?

In your wise opinion, is it acceptable to sell two of your children on Ebay to feed the third?

Why was the ScoobyDoo representation removed from your flag back in 1986?


Thank you,

TireFire

[FireAnt]

Mr. Nigerian! Mr. Nigerian!

I humbly ask for your advice on this matter. I have been a student of your philosophies on corruption and bribery as a virtue in a growing democracy. However here in Texas after driving 60 in a 55 mph zone and getting pulled over, I tried handing the officer a $50 with my license and I got put in jail. What did I do wrong? I am sure this would have worked in Nigeria. Why are our officers not trained as well as the ones in Nigeria?

Mr. Ant