Clicky De Linky!!!
$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'I')t's graduation time again. Last year, I penned a message to the outgoing class of 2008, a message you almost certainly forgot because there was a picture of Cassandra Lynn sitting at the top of the page. And seeing a photo of Cassandra Lynn is like getting a defibrillator to your penis. So we'd best make this a yearly ritual for you new seniors out there, just to keep things fresh in your little ADD-addled brains.
PeakOil is You
A Message To The Class of 2009
A Message To The Class of 2009
by Chuckmak » Fri 15 May 2009, 11:03:47
$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'I') bet you grads had one hell of a spring, didn't you? Oh, I bet you spent your whole spring taking a miniscule courseload, lounging on blankets outside on the quad, fucking each other, drinking your gay little Twisted Teas... I bet you even smoked pot on Wednesday morning, just for the hell of it. I bet you just had the time of your fucking lives the past four years, didn't you?
YOU MAKE ME SICK.
Guess what, fuckos? Party's over. You're out of college now, and your parents are now too poor to nurse you through grad school. No more fantasy life for you. No more ice luges. No more intellectual discourse. No more ripe teenage pussy. That's all over now. YOU ARE FUCKED. Your days will now consist of searching for a job in a marketplace where no available job of any sort fucking exists. Your commencement speaker will probably tell you your class "faces enormous challenges," or some bullshit euphemism like that. This is a lie. A challenge is something you can overcome. You, on the other hand, are completely, unavoidably fucked. You're not going to cure cancer. You're not going to stop wars. You're not going to save the planet. If you're lucky, you may stumble upon a $2 coupon for Honey Nut Cheerios one day. That will be about it.
Otherwise, you are entering a world that is running out of money, a world that will slowly choke itself to death unless it somehow stumbles upon a miraculously clean, cheap energy source that has yet to be invented and almost certainly never will be. Ten years from now, your degree will be 1/100th as useful as a fucking life vest. So wipe that nauseating smile off your faces and heed now this glimpse into your very near future…
$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'Y')ou will begin caring about stupid shit in the front section of the newspaper. I used to read USA Today in college. I would read only two sections: Red and Purple. The green section was for boring assholes, and the front section was about a bunch of stupid political bullshit. I never cared about politics or world affairs when I was younger. College kids who care about politics are fucking douches. But suddenly, annoyingly serious shit like health care actually started to matter to me. And I don't like it one bit. I read an article in The Atlantic a while back. Voluntarily. I can't begin to tell you how annoyed I was at myself for this.
$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', '
')Rent. If you rent, you can call someone to fix shit if it breaks. FOR FREE. Is that worth not ending your life owning some old house your kid is just going to sell for pot money anyway? Fuck and yes.
You will get dumber every day from now on. You're done learning. Time to start forgetting shit! The other weekend I was sitting in the parking lot shuttle bus at the Baltimore airport, on my way to get my car after a flight, only to realize I had left my car keys at my parents' house, which was now 300 miles away. I then bit down on my own finger until I had broken the skin. I am retarded, and I am only getting worse. IT'LL HAPPEN TO YOU.
Going out will stop being appealing to you. What? I have to put on pants? And pay $5 for a drink when I have 30 beers in the fridge? And talk to people? FUCK. THAT.
There is no point in raising your kids well, because other people's retard kids will end up ruining them anyway. You can teach your kid good manners. You can feed them nothing but organic dairy products milked from an angel's tit. You can read your kid 500 Sandra Boynton books every night. I promise you, none of it will matter. Because once your kid goes to school, some spoiled sack of shit kid with horrible parents will teach your kid the word "pussyfart," get them hooked on straight Whoppers, and immediately undo every good thing you did. Trust me. Other people can't parent for JACK SHIT.
If you have more than three kids, you are an asshole. What the fuck are you trying to prove with more than three kids? Kids siphon up precious food and water, produce oceans of shit-ridden waste, and give American parents large tax breaks most of them really don't deserve. If you have more than three kids, and really even two, you deserve to have your have your uterus filled with sand.
You will find yourself, at times, tired of drinking. But you will continue drinking anyway. Beats the alternative, which is NOT drinking.
$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'G')ot all that, graduates? Feel ready to go out and change the world now? No? Good. Because the world changes on its own terms, without your fucking input, thank you very much. The only thing you can do is adjust. Remember: the world has been around a whole lot longer than you have, and it has a limitless arsenal of ways to DESTROY YOUR FUCKING SHIT. So don't go out there thinking your going to impact it in any kind of meaningful way. You'll be here a little longer, then you'll die, then shit'll move on without you. Don't like it, Pollyanna? Tough fucking shit.
"if god doesn't exist, it is necessary that we invent him" - Voltaire
"they say prescott bush funded hitler" - Nas
"they say prescott bush funded hitler" - Nas
- Chuckmak
- Heavy Crude
- Posts: 1000
- Joined: Sat 19 Mar 2005, 04:00:00
- Location: Bridge City
