[kpeavey]

California breaks off the North American Continent

(AP) 5:30 PM PST Los Angeles
Following yesterdays 10.5 magnitude quake directly under the state legislature building, the entire state of California has broken off the continental shelf of North America and is floating out to sea.

Film at 11

[kpeavey]

Pelosi Steps Down
(AP) 3:15 PM EST, Washington DC:
The House Speaker has finally stepped down as a result of the scandal concerning her reported age. At 143, Speaker Pelosi is the oldest person ever to hold the position, even older than that Boston guy with the big nose.
Asked why she misrepresented her age, Miss Pelosi replied "I'm a woman, its my perogative, now be a nice fellow and help me across the street."

[Bytesmiths]

Americans All Agree to "Just Stop It"

In a sweeping consensus, every single American agreed to stop using fossil fuel today. In response, Obama agreed to take the trillion or so dollars back that he had given to the banks, and will use it instead to supply every American with enough seed to cover their suburban lawns with food. "How could we have been so deluded as to think that money produces food? Obama said in a press conference at which he fired Tim Geitner and the rest of the architects of the bank bail-out plan, replacing them with Wendell Barry, Michael Pollen, and Richard Heinberg.

[bratticus]

US Elementary Schools Now Teach Sustenance Farming and Wilderness Survival

In an effort to keep their curriculum up-to-date with the needs of the world, US schools started to shift their emphasis away from training people for desk jobs to training for a world without electricity and automobiles.

[kpeavey]

President Schwarzenegger Wins Reelection


Not so much news I want to see, just thought it would make a neat headline.

[dunny]

"Rupert Murdoch Turns 200."

I"ll be 167.

Mick.

[bratticus]

Arnold Schwarzenegger Caught Smoking Pot On Film

In a stunning blow to his campaign for president, the opposition has been airing this clip on TV

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/54

[Madpaddy]

Intergalactic President Madpaddy beats polygamy charges.

A Grand jury in the seat of galactic power Tara, nestled on the slopes of Olympus Mons Mars, today dismissed all charges of polygamy against the galactic leader. A spokesman for the president, who was unable to attend because he was back on earth judging "The Real Miss Universe Competition", said Madpaddy was delighted to be cleared of the absurd charges. "Those 70 girls aged between 18 and 22 carry out vital domestic duties for the president and the fact they stay at the presidential palace at night in nothing but their underwear is a matter of personal choice" the spokesman is quoted as saying.



$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'S')ome of the cleaning staff pictured at the presidential palace yesterday

[The_Toecutter]

President Barack Obama Announces End to War on Drugs
July 3, 2009

In effort to combat escalating violence near the U.S./Mexico border, President Barack Obama announced today that he will pursue an end to the War On Drugs. President Obama stated in an address to the public that he encourages for all police officers to refuse to detain anyone for any drug-related offense.

U.S. Supreme Court Rules Existence of Federal Reserve to be Unconstitutional
July 4, 2009

In a 5-4 ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the Federal Reserve is in violation of the U.S. Constitution, which explicitly states that Congress has the power to print currency. The Federal Reserve Bank is expected to dissolve within 1 month of the ruling.

As oil prices skyrocket, Americans bike more
April 2, 2010

As oil prices soar past $400 a barrel and prices at the pump exceed $25/gallon, more than half of Americans have quit driving and tens of millions of them have taken to riding a bicycle for transportation. [Photo Caption: Red River Street in Austin, TX, is now occupied by more bicycles than automobiles.]

U.S. Supreme Court Strikes Down Battery Patent Law
July 4, 2010

In a unanimous ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the validity of COBASY's patent on large format NiMH batteries, citing that an innovation crucial to the continued existence of transport in the U.S. in the face of skyrocketing fuel prices and spotty availability of fuel must be put to market for the patent to be valid; COBASYs, which has refused to place its product on the market for small startup companies attempted to sue a Chinese battery maker for offering a large format NiMH battery onto the market for use in electric vehicles.

Tesla Motor Company Unveils the Model E
July 22, 2010

Tesla Motor company announced today that it has obtained the means to mass produce automobiles and will enter into production a "people's electric car" called the Model E. The long-wheelbased, rear-motor-mounted, rear-wheel drive hatchback with room for 6 achieved a stunningly low drag coefficient of 0.16 inside a wind tunnel. It will come in four versions, three of them featuring the same motor and inverter used in the Tesla Roadster, and available with three different battery types.

The International model uses a brushed shunt-wound DC motor and controller designed by Tesla Motor Co and lead acid batteries from Deka; it is expected to achieve 60-80 miles range per charge on the highway at 70 mph, weighs in at 2,500 lbs, and can accelerate from 0-60 mph in 12 seconds with a computer limited top speed of 80 mph. The International model features a two-speed transmission, one gear for city speeds, the other for highway speeds. The Model E International is expected to retail for $7,990.

The LC model foregoes the use of a transmission. It is expected to achieve 120-150 miles range at 70 mph on the highway with advanced Panasonic lead acid batteries, has a curb weight of 2,700 lbs and can accelerate from 0-60 mph in 6 seconds with a computer limited top speed of 140 mph; it is expected to retail for $16,990.

The LR model is equipped with a pack of Panasonic EV95 NiMH batteries, has a curb weight of 2,600 lbs, does 0-60 mph in 8 seconds with a computer limited top speed of 140 mph, and is expected to achieve 250-300 miles range on the highway at 70 mph; the Model E LR is expected to retail for $23,990.

The RT model is fitted with a two-speed transmission with a paddle shifter mounted to the right of the steering wheel. It is equipped with a pack of Altair Nanotechnologies Lithium Ion batteries, has a curb weight of 2,600 lbs, does 0-60 mph in a blistering 3.5 seconds, and has a top speed of 180 mph. It is expected to achieve 600-700 miles range on the highway at 70 mph and can still manage 150 miles of range at 155 mph on the German Autobahn. The RT model is expected to retail for $49,990.

All four models are compatable with 480V fast chargers and can be charged in under 30 minutes, but can also be recharged over a longer duration from any 120V or 240V outlet in the US along with the 220V outlets in Europe.

[kpeavey]

US Army Surrenders to Sons of Liberty Rebel Army

[TreebeardsUncle]

In 2011:

Penny's Liquidates:

Following in the ignominous footsteps of fellow retailer's Gottshawk's and Mervnyn's Penny's gave up the ghost. Liquidator Great American expects to have all merchandise cleared in 2 months.

In 2012:

General Motors Sold to Toyota

Though some observers thought that with the demise of Chrysler and the down-sizing of Ford, General Motors would profit from a more open playing field, the reverse turned out to be true with struggling suppliers leading the behemoth auto company into a under-served position. "It became untenable for us to continue to operate independently" said General Manager Mr. X.

2015:
Walmart files for chapter 7 bankruptcy.

Once dominant retailer Walmart struggles with soaring gas prices and a protacted recession.
"What looks like is really changing the balance for us is the increased cost of shipping freight."
At every step of the distribution chain, from shipping to trucking, even rail fuel costs are breaking the budget.

2025

Teachers Union Decries Wage Cuts

Struggling municipalities and states are being forced to slash education budgets.
Techer's unions are powerless to staunch the bleeding.

2040

Suburbia in Decline

With continued shortages of automotive fuel, loan defaults, credit card squeezes, and a great disappointment in the availability of bio-fuels, suburbia is on the rocks throughout the country.

2060
Domestic Automobile Production Still Below 1 Million Units and Falling

Annual production failed to reach 300,000 and even those vehciles sat un-bought in lots throughout the land.

2070

Mysterious Device Found in Flea Market

it looked like a backpack with a hose. After extensive research the device was identified as a "Leaf Blower." Banned in 2017, the infernal contraptions had been blamed for poisoing rivers and streams. Gardeners had a weak lobby and their protests were drowned out by the shrill voices of environmentalists and trial lawyers.

2085

Unitest States No Longer a Country

Effectively the union has ceased to function. Military units have devolved to the states.
While the social and cultural disintegration had been underway for decades, political reality has
now matched the de facto state. Effective political regions include several now in the south,
a multiply-fractured north-east, and a near-empty midsection of plains, deserts, and mountains.
Western metro areas look to a distant Asia from which few ships only rarely visit.

2097
Last public school closes.

Taken over by an order of Dominican nuns, the last public elementary school served the descendents of congressmen in the district of columbia. With the ceasing of the functioning of the legislature, the school reverted to the Catholic heirarchy completely. It was a fait accomplice.

2112
Last car rolls out of Detroit.

With production consistently below 10,000 in Toyota's remaining factory, it did not make sense to keep the factory open. Besides, few people still knew how to maintain the machinery.

[kpeavey]

ADM Opens Clothing-Optional Organic Farm