[hermit]

Could use some thoughts here...

My mother called tonight... Told me that my father hasn't spoken to her for 3 weeks, is mad at her over some petty dispute about xmas tree placement, and has decided to spend Xmas alone. She says he's been losing it for a month or so.

Mother is at her mother's house. Apparently father is at home alone. He's also stated that he's cancelled Xmas day dinner and New years party at their house, as he doesn't want to be around her. It's pretty clear he's lost it.

My wife says that he shouldn't be left alone. It seems pretty clear he wants to be. Not sure what to do. Mother doesn't have any idea, and she says he won't even talk to her. She thinks he's got SAD - I think Chronic pain and alcohol are also playing a part. In any case, he appears to be inaccessible.

Any insights are appreciated....

[blukatzen]

Sorry to hear this, but this is common at this time of year, fights amongst family members. What are their ages, social conditions, do they have any brother/sisters to intervene (peers amongst the family..it's a little different than kids intervening.)
Are they churchgoers? Do they have a minister that can speak to the father? Is your mother in any real danger of being physically abused as well? (right now, it's obvious she is being psychologically abused if she is afraid to go home.)

Is their marriage a strong one, is this downright unusual behavior?

This happened in my family to my father's sister's husband, for about 6 months he had heightened aggression, it turned out he was in the beginning stages of Alzheimers, which rapidly progressed for him, unfortunately. Sometimes, things like this happen very quickly..

Has he lost his job, pensions, anything financial that they may not be telling you?

Please let us know how we can help..

Blu

[hermit]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('blukatzen', 'S')orry to hear this, but this is common at this time of year, fights amongst family members. What are their ages, social conditions, do they have any brother/sisters to intervene (peers amongst the family..it's a little different than kids intervening.)
Are they churchgoers? Do they have a minister that can speak to the father? Is your mother in any real danger of being physically abused as well? (right now, it's obvious she is being psychologically abused if she is afraid to go home.)

Is their marriage a strong one, is this downright unusual behavior?

This happened in my family to my father's sister's husband, for about 6 months he had heightened aggression, it turned out he was in the beginning stages of Alzheimers, which rapidly progressed for him, unfortunately. Sometimes, things like this happen very quickly..

Has he lost his job, pensions, anything financial that they may not be telling you?

Please let us know how we can help..

Blu

[kpeavey]

Although it may seem like a sudden episode on the outside, there is a good chance something has been festering for some time. The holiday season can often bring out unexpected and atypical behavior.

Doing nothing is the worst thing to do. Go over and talk to the old man. Find out what has his bowels in an uproar. If he has a reasonable grievance, your talk may shed some light on it. If he's off his rocker, your talk may shed some light on it.

He wants to be left alone for the holidays, go ahead and let him. Its his misery, let him wallow in it. The rest of the family does not need him dragging down the fun. Small children will understand if gramps has "the flu" this season. Have your holiday without him, but be sure he knows he is welcome, if that is the case. Be sure to take him a plate.

This is not a crisis. This is normal. When the holidays are over, you will have plenty of time to find out what's bugging him or to come up with a diagnosis.

[DrBang]

What ever your father is going through, it seems pretty serious for him. He has to process his issues some time (emotional/mental/psychological/etc...). Best he faces whatever it is and gets it over rather than burying it and letting it fester further.

This is really hard for every one around him and there may well be relationship consequences for all around him. That being said it may be inevitable.

Let him do his thing, give your mother the support she needs. When this cycle has run its course, sit your father down and talk to him. The alternative is to slap him out of it. This is the brutal option though. Depends on what is driving this cycle.

(This is never easy)

Kind Regards & Merry Christmas

Dr Bang

[Ludi]

"Slapping" someone out of depression rarely works and in any case is assault and battery.

[blukatzen]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('hermit', 'T')he marriage seemed strong, but I sense now it has been diverging for some time. Alzheimers is a possibility - we've lost two close family members to it in the last decade. He's a grumpy guy in general, but this is abnormal.

[Consensi]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('hermit', '
')My wife says that he shouldn't be left alone. It seems pretty clear he wants to be. Not sure what to do.

[InToWishin]

Are your parents Peak Oil aware?

[uNkNowN ElEmEnt]

when people get suicidal they often get "flat" emotionally first. Let him know that there is always hope. that he is rich in family and there is a lot he can still do for people and that it gives others a chance to grow by letting them take care of him too.

If he just wants to be alone, fine. if it is covering up for his feeling like a failure cause he doesn't have a lot of money to spend on the holidays, see if you can give him an "out". like its so and so's turn to give to the family. let him know the kids etc are just interested in having their pa with them for the other assets he has.

maybe pointing out that he still has a lot to be valued for is importnat. its often hard to believe you can be vlaued for more than money in this society. maybe jsut knowing everyone misses him and cares but is willing to give him space, or just being there quietly is the best way to support him.

Personally I've found that taking people for a walk is one of the best ways to get them to open up. no pressure dad, just wanna go for a walk.

Like Ludi says, don't try and slap anyone out of it. that is just for people who don't have the time to really think about things in the light of whats best for the person involved.

[Heineken]

Hermit, your screen name for this website and your description of your father's behavior coincide in an interesting way.

There's an insight, for what it's worth.

[vision-master]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Heineken', 'H')ermit, your screen name for this website and your description of your father's behavior coincide in an interesting way.

There's an insight, for what it's worth.

[Serial_Worrier]

No slapping is def the way to go. Not only that, but assault is even better!

[threadbear]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('uNkNowN ElEmEnt', 'w')hen people get suicidal they often get "flat" emotionally first. Let him know that there is always hope. that he is rich in family and there is a lot he can still do for people and that it gives others a chance to grow by letting them take care of him too.

If he just wants to be alone, fine. if it is covering up for his feeling like a failure cause he doesn't have a lot of money to spend on the holidays, see if you can give him an "out". like its so and so's turn to give to the family. let him know the kids etc are just interested in having their pa with them for the other assets he has.

maybe pointing out that he still has a lot to be valued for is importnat. its often hard to believe you can be vlaued for more than money in this society. maybe jsut knowing everyone misses him and cares but is willing to give him space, or just being there quietly is the best way to support him.

Personally I've found that taking people for a walk is one of the best ways to get them to open up. no pressure dad, just wanna go for a walk.

Like Ludi says, don't try and slap anyone out of it. that is just for people who don't have the time to really think about things in the light of whats best for the person involved.

[Sixstrings]

Everything work out OK hermit?

[Umber]

At the beginning of this holiday season I told my wife to count me out as far as any festivities that included relatives… beginning with Thanksgiving dinner. My reason for deciding to keep pretty much to myself was very simple: I’m TIRED of listening to all the bullshit.

I’ve had quite enough of politely listening to all the whining / complaining / carping. I’m sick of hearing the same old crap from everyone about what they’re getting for Christmas, what they’re buying for Christmas gifts, what they wanted to get for Christmas, how they didn’t like what they got for Christmas last year and what they want for Christmas next year to make up for their disappointment last year. In fact, I’m tired of listening to a constant stream of puling, self-pitying bullshit that seems to continue year round from MOST of the members of our extended family and comes to a grand climax at Christmas.

So… I decided to sit this Christmas out. I’ve been doing a lot of reading, working on building a larger fenced in yard for our chickens, doing some reloading, working up up a new exercise routine, playing the piano … a bunch of stuff that I’ve been wanting to do but have put off too often.

Alzheimers? Nah, I don’t think so. I think your pop is most likely as fed up as I am with family members and the incessant chanting of “me, me, me, meeeeeeeeee“. I’ve decided I don’t have the energy to waste being polite. Maybe he feels the same.

My new year’s resolution? FARK politely listening to any more whining from relatives. Ever.

Umber

[hermit]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Sixstrings', 'E')verything work out OK hermit?

[threadbear]

How old is he, Hermit?

[hermit]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('threadbear', 'H')ow old is he, Hermit?

[blukatzen]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('hermit', '')$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('threadbear', 'H')ow old is he, Hermit?