[like_the_dinosaurs]

I dont ask for help much but I would appreciate any thoughts.

About a year ago my brother, myself and partner moved from brisbane and left behind our careers too prepare for collapse. We have done really well in bringing our entire family into a strong family unit working towards survival.

My partner is younger than me but we have been through so much over the last 4 years that i thought we had a strond foundation. I dont think her heart was ever in preparing for armageddon but now she is saying it's over unless I move back to the big smoke.

My head tells me it's a massive mistake while my heart tells me to fight for the one i love. I havent slept and eaten much in the last few days.

It's like peak oil has one ball and she has the other.

Any advice

PS I've read about so manny people who have lost someone special because of this and I now know how you all must of felt.

Thanks for the help

[EnergyUnlimited]

I think, the best way forward is to find another partner.

Regardless of collapse coming or not coming both of you obviously have grossly different characters and sets of values.
That is not the best indicator for successful future.

She is probably consumer and she may also turn quite expensive to maintain in the future, so let her go to other consumer.

She will be happy at least for a while (until collapse came) and you will end up with a better partner meantime.

[Golgo13]

What kind of investment do you have in this relationship?

How long have you been together?

Are you married?

Is she willing to talk about it?

Also, EnergyUnlimited touches on something important there. You need compatability.

[smallpoxgirl]

Can you explain a bit more what your partner's issues are? Does she think peak oil is a myth? Is she more of the camp of thinking it's real but can't deal with the social isolation?

I think moving out into the boonies can be really hard on a relationship. If you don't have a community of people around to socialize with, I don't think there's a lot of couples that could withstand the pressure of being eachother's entire social world.

If she just thinks your a nutbag with all the peak oil talk, then you kinda gotta decide whether you want to live for today and worry about tommorrow when it gets here or whether you want to try to ride out the storm alone.

OTOH, if it's a social thing, maybe you could find an ecovillage or something where there would be more social outlets without moving back to the big smoke as it were.

[Micki]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'I')t's like peak oil has one ball and she has the other.

[like_the_dinosaurs]

What kind of investment do you have in this relationship?
A fair bit. i've been with her through 2 deaths in her family

How long have you been together?
4 years

Are you married?
Engaged

Is she willing to talk about it?
We have for the past 6 months but she doesnt like this town it reminds her of mother and sister. We lived in bundaberg before moving

Can you explain a bit more what your partner's issues are?
she says we have all the preps we need(at my parents place) so lets go and live life

Does she think peak oil is a myth?
She used to doubt it but the past year has made her come around

Is she more of the camp of thinking it's real but can't deal with the social isolation?
I think so

She's also at that age of wanting to experience the world so I dont know

I've tried to compromise by getting our own place in bundy. This is so difficult becuase I moved to save us but the very move has caused it too end.

[like_the_dinosaurs]

Also, how quickly do you need to act?
We have broken up and got back together three times in three weeks. I think she is turning toward alcohol and casual sex to kill the pain of her mother and now me.

i.e. has she already packed the bag?
I dont think so

If you have some time, are you able to work on the issues that she has with the current place? i.e. if she is bored, are there meaningful things she can get into? Not enough to keep her in bundy

Has she made friends there?
Yeh but there party girls

Can you do fun things together outside the home?
I'm not sure if thats enough

We have broken up three times

[Micki]

Ouch. Sounds like a hard case.
Excuse the choice of words, but she sounds like damaged goods.

Just the gut feel I get from reading this is that even you move back to the smoke with her, you might not get a steady relation until she has been able to deal with the issues in her life.
Getting to that stage may be a rough ride or you might split up for good way before then.

Normally I would probably prefer to go with love than PO preps (and then do stealth prepping to the extent I can) but only if it has a really good foundation.

Unless you have a solid faith in the relation you might have to just thoroughly go through the things you are offering her and let her make a final decision.

[like_the_dinosaurs]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Micki', 'O')uch. Sounds like a hard case.
Excuse the choice of words, but she sounds like damaged goods.

Just the gut feel I get from reading this is that even you move back to the smoke with her, you might not get a steady relation until she has been able to deal with the issues in her life.
Getting to that stage may be a rough ride or you might split up for good way before then.

Normally I would probably prefer to go with love than PO preps (and then do stealth prepping to the extent I can) but only if it has a really good foundation.

Unless you have a solid faith in the relation you might have to just thoroughly go through the things you are offering her and let her make a final decision.

[Quinny]

Sorry to be brutal, but I think your wasting your time there.

Someone I love dearly has been head fucked by a young girl who he fell for for the last 3/4 years. It's caused him enormous problems in the rest of his life (business/health/friends and family), and she's still taking the piss even after she's left him.

Fire her off before you end up in deeper, you could end up with a kid and then you'd be stuck.

BTW - the saying there are other fish in the sea is true. I thought my love-life was over in my 30's. At 37 I met the most wonderful women a man could hope for. She's kind, considerate, fun, hard working, I could go on forever with superlatives, and if you ever met her you musn't tell her. A considerate guy like you will find someone - don't lose hope.

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('like_the_dinosaurs', 'A')lso, how quickly do you need to act?
We have broken up and got back together three times in three weeks. I think she is turning toward alcohol and casual sex to kill the pain of her mother and now me.

i.e. has she already packed the bag?
I dont think so

If you have some time, are you able to work on the issues that she has with the current place? i.e. if she is bored, are there meaningful things she can get into? Not enough to keep her in bundy

Has she made friends there?
Yeh but there party girls

Can you do fun things together outside the home?
I'm not sure if thats enough
We have broken up three times

[some_math_guy]

I would stick it out with her. There is no reason why you cannot have a back-up plan if things get nasty - you do not have to put life completely on hold until peak oil happens. It may happen this year, or it may happen in 20 years. As long as your spouse knows that this is important to you.

Every relationship is about healthy compromise. If she cares about you as much as you care about her, she will support you making peak oil preparations and will understand your need to spend part of the family budget on this. Similarly, you should support her wanting to be near or in a city, spending money having fun, partying, living life etc. All you need is a good back-up plan if things get hairy.

I confronted these issues about 3 years ago with my spouse and I am much happier for it. A life where you have all your preparations made but little happiness is not worth living, in my opinion.

[pedalling_faster]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('like_the_dinosaurs', 'S')he's also at that age of wanting to experience the world so I dont know.

[Grifter]

I'm not going to advise you as my lifes a bit of a mess (emotionally) but here's what I found when my marriage ended (not necessarily because of peakoil though).

I had left my job, we relocated 200 miles away, she got a job and I was looking whilst doing a bit of this and that to get cash. We were going to buy land and was in the process of putting in an offer on some land when the whole marriage sham came out in the open. Anyway, I'm glad it happened before I'd bought the land.

Once single I found it impossible to make preps apart from staying free of debt and being as mobile as possible to go where the work is. I don't know why but I don't care about what happens in the future so much when I only have myself to worry about. So its like all that time spent planning for a simpler life was a waste unless I meet a like minded person in the future. Highly unlikely.

I have to say though, I am happier and have a healthier outlook on life now than I did for the last 4 years of marriage. Its been almost 2 years now, lifes not bad even though I would rather be in a relationship. Single just aint that bad!

[Ferretlover]

LTD: Based on what you've posted, this relationship will never last. You've broken up three times in four years??
She sounds like she was more interested in being engaged than in developing a mature relationship.
She's done with having adventures with you, and wants to party on with new people.
Nearly everyone has a bittersweet lost love to remember; and, there is a good chance that you already know your real companion for life. She's noticed you, but is holding back because you are in a relationship, and because she's not yet sure of your maturity because you are still beating a dead horse (current GF).
Let go. Offer to take your "fiancee" to the bus station or airport and say goodbye. You also need to be prepared to deal with her when TSHTF, and she remembers You were prepared, and brings newest boyfriend and a few others to help share in your wealth.

You KNOW it is over; that it was never really feasible. Let go.
signed, Mom (who has now been married 32 1/2 years to the same man.)

[pup55]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', ' ')I think moving out into the boonies can be really hard on a relationship

[Aaron]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'W')e have broken up and got back together three times in three weeks. I think she is turning toward alcohol and casual sex to kill the pain of her mother and now me.

[mos6507]

To me, how you decide to adapt for peak oil is the big decision everyone of this lifetime must make, and there isn't much time left to get off the fence. Everyone has different value systems. If you feel you're degrading your survival odds to go back to her, that may be worth it if you value love above survival. There is no one single yardstick. But indecision will surely kill you.

[galacticsurfer]

She had too much stress lately what with a couple of family deaths and a move to the country. My wife lost both parents in one year. Hard to overcome. Women need females to talk a lot to for sure (my wife lost her Mom so one less). An understanding hubby is ok but usually city life or a big telephone bill and lots of regular vacations to the city are important. Maybe she could chat on forums. A dog or cat would be cool. Is there any place besides bars, etc. to go drink with her girlfriends and pick up guys maybe, maybe alterantive groups like churches or gardening, somewhere she can do prep work or community, spiritual type stuff.

Alternatively and on the attempted humourous side I would say as PO is just a sect (like scientology) that you should tie her up and feed her with a spoon and brainwash her with films and droning tapes 24 hours till she gives in and decides to stay away from all evil civilizational influences. I remember the series LOST. No escape!

[emeraldg40]

Just go with her and tell her its up to her to work and pay for the new city life. No need in selling or giving up anything that is yours. Say yeah sure, lets live......you pay. Make it easy.

[cynthia]

Three issues stand out: Grief, maturity, and values.

Grief is a part of life. How people cope is a measure of their maturity.

Living the life now that you anticipate will allow you to survive whatever events unfolds, means you are planning for the future. How you live in the present reflects your values.

You want a partner who brings maturity to the relationship with shared values. If you don't have these traits in your current sweetie then please don't try to fix her. Thank her for what she taught you about yourself and move on.

Another Mom with 23+ years with the same man,
cynthia