[PenultimateManStanding]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('BigTex', 'W')hat's brown and sticky?



A stick.

[PenultimateManStanding]

A piano tuner by the name of Hans Opperknockety is hired to tune a fellow's piano. Only a few moths later the guy calls to say that he had to move and needs his piano tuned again. Hans says, "nein, Opperknockety only tunes once."

it's good to know jokes that you can tell at Thanksgiving.

[jasonraymondson]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('PenultimateManStanding', '')$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('BigTex', 'W')hat's brown and sticky?



A stick.

[RonMN]

Q: what did one breast say to the other?

A: we better not hang so low, they'll think we're nuts

(I know i shouldn't laugh at my own jokes)

[PenultimateManStanding]

What has no arms or legs and lies on the floor? Matt

What has no arms or legs and hangs on the wall? Art

What has no arms or legs and water skis? Skip

What has no arms or legs and cooks on the barbecue? Frank

What do you call a girl with just one leg? Eilene

[BigTex]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('jasonraymondson', '')$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('PenultimateManStanding', '')$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('BigTex', 'W')hat's brown and sticky?



A stick.

[RonMN]

PMS Wrote:
What has no arms or legs and cooks on the barbecue?

Patty

What do you call a guy with no arms & leggs in a pile of leaves?

Russel

[PenultimateManStanding]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('RonMN', '[')b]PMS Wrote:
What has no arms or legs and cooks on the barbecue?

Patty

[RonMN]

That's funny! Nope, I never saw it. But i'll have to.

Was the guys name "frank"?

[PenultimateManStanding]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('RonMN', 'T')hat's funny! Nope, I never saw it. But i'll have to.

Was the guys name "frank"?

[PrairieMule]

There were four businessmen - An American, a Cuban, an Englishman, and a Nigerian cruising in a Limo.

The Cuban, who had been puffing on his Havana cigar, threw it out the window after only smoking it half way.

The American was astounded and said “Are you nuts? Do you have any idea how much those are worth in my country?” The Cubans simply replied, “My country is full of that shit.”

The American, unwilling to be one-upped, pulled off his Rolex and tossed it out the window.

The Nigerian was amazed and said “Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how much those are worth in my country?” The American replied grinning, “My country is full of that shit.”

Now the Brit who, up to this point had been ignoring the others, calmly reached across, grabbed the Nigerian by the collar, opened the car door and kicked him out.

The Cuban and American were confused and asked, “Are you trying to get us arrested? Why the hell did you do that?” The Englishman casually replied, “My country is full of that shit!”

[PenultimateManStanding]

An American, A Brit, A Frenchman and Mexican were on a flight across the Atlantic. The flight was going down and it was clear they weren't going to make it. They needed to lessen the weight so the Frenchmen valiantly said "Vive La France!" and jumped overboard. Then the Englishman said "God save the Queen!" and jumped overboard. Finally the American said "Remember the Alamo!" and threw the Mexican overboard.

[RonMN]

Why wont a cannibal eat a clown?

They taste funny!

[jasonraymondson]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('GASMON', 'T')hree Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting
in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser, I p*** on everything - the
sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night, when I p***** in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything,"

He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The
yellow lab says, "I'm a digger, I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up
the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great
big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the
vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the black lab says, "I'll hump
anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants,
whatever. I want too hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had
just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I
couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away.

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac
for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

And my LAST one,

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"
The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French tw4t again.

Thats all from me folks, back to the serious stuff.

Gasmon

[bobaloo]

God, I shouldn't have read this thread.

I got so depressed, thought I was going to kill myself.

Called the suicide hotline and wouldn't you know it, got transferred to some damn call center in Pakistan.

I told the guy I was so depressed I wanted to kill myself. Suddenly, he got all excited and wanted to know if I know how to drive a truck...

[PenultimateManStanding]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('GASMON', '
') The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[jasonraymondson]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('bobaloo', 'G')od, I shouldn't have read this thread.

I got so depressed, thought I was going to kill myself.

Called the suicide hotline and wouldn't you know it, got transferred to some damn call center in Pakistan.

I told the guy I was so depressed I wanted to kill myself. Suddenly, he got all excited and wanted to know if I know how to drive a truck...

[PrairieMule]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('bobaloo', '
')I told the guy I was so depressed I wanted to kill myself. Suddenly, he got all excited and wanted to know if I know how to drive a truck...

[Ivan_M]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Winnipeg in the
exchange district where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the
sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues
upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes
to the fourth floor, and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous
looking, and help with housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes
to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are
no men on this floor. This floor exist s solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New
Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

This proving the point that women are never satisfied