[JJ]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Shannymara', 'I') mean it when I say I can't imagine what this is like for you and your family. It's too far outside my range of experiences so far. All I can tell is that it's horrible in many ways, and I'm sorry for you and your family.

I am curious what your father would prefer you all do, and also what you wish you could do if you weren't constrained legally and circumstantially, if you feel like talking about it.

I didn't know one of my grandfathers, and the other died suddenly of a heart attack. Last year when he was dying of lung cancer my dad (79, also a heavy combat vet) asked me to kill him if he was going to linger on in pain more than a couple of days. We were lucky it didn't come to that. I think (but I'm not certain) my mother would rather die than be in a nursing home, unless it was one for rich people like the one my grandmother lived in for the last 3 years of her life. But that's different, because she was really living. My other grandmother died in a more typical nursing home, where I would also use the word "inmate," but I was living abroad and didn't see her during those years, which is why I can't identify more with your own experiences.

[Heineken]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Shannymara', 'I') am curious what your father would prefer you all do, and also what you wish you could do if you weren't constrained legally and circumstantially, if you feel like talking about it.

[Ferretlover]

Sorry about this situation, Heineken.
Do you have any photos of favorite times in his life that you could put in his room?
How's your mom taking all this?

[Zardoz]

Really sorry that you and your folks have to go through this. You're one of so many I know of who are suffering the same plight. It's always very hard on all concerned.

Consider your dad lucky that he has you. So many in situations like his are essentially on their own. Think of what it would be like for him and your mom without you.

Hang in there.

[Heineken]

Thanks again, all you peak-oily angels . . .

I am so sad. I keep thinking back to earlier times, keep seeing him and me doing things together, building stuff. Keep seeing the signs of his life around me. Hearing his bad jokes and pithy quotes.

I guess this is a kind of mourning.

[CarlinsDarlin]

It is a type of mourning, Heineken. I am so sorry for what you're going through. You and your mother both. During the last year of my father's life, I watched him turn into an old man. From being a hunter, outdoorsman, craftsman, extremely active person, he turned into an old man. That's the only way I can explain it. It was, I think, almost as hard for me to watch him deteriorate physically, knowing how hard it was on him not to be able to do the things he loved, as it was to lose him. I understand your pain.

I still run my fingers over the flintlock muzzleloader, bowie knife, and other items my dad made, remembering that the oil from his own skin is what keeps them shiny to this day. I still remember his laugh and so many things we did together. I know how you feel.

You still have your dad, though. The circumstances are not ideal, but he is still with you. Spend every minute you can with him and make some more memories. Even though you think they won't be good ones now, when he is gone, you will cherish even these. My dad's last words to me a few hours before he died were, "Love you too, babe." That's a treasure, even though it was so hard, and I knew it was his goodbye. Cherish your time with your dad.

You're in our thoughts.
Kathy

[Heineken]

Lovely advice, Darlin.

We need to cherish the time we have with our loved ones . . . and the limited time we have with ourselves. The two are related in ways I never before realized so strongly.

[pedalling_faster]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Heineken', 'S')hanny, his basic position, ever since the first hip fracture last fall, is that he's "going to get better," and therefore doesn't need to be in a nursing home. He did get a little better, returned home . . . and promptly broke his other hip (and almost fractured his skull; the bruise covered half his face).

He has some dementia. I don't think his grasp of reality is sound anymore.
...
Let me know if I'm violating the CoC and I'll shut up.

[cynthia]

I shall send good thoughts your way every other time I see a Bluebird. (and they are doubly back, so you are well covered).
End stage life issues are not pretty and we must experience them in the moment.
You are dealing and doing well from what you have shared so far.
Thanks H for all you bring to the PO forums.
The feedback to this thread is helpful as I deal with my aging parents.
Loves,
cynthia
PS To Heineken: How is your mom coping with the change?

[Heineken]

Thank you Pedalling and Cynthia for your kind thoughts.

Yesterday the nursing home called and told us Dad had been moved to Richmond's VA med center (which has treated him for his PTSD and other problems for many years, with me as the "ambulance" driver).

He was in some sort of catatonic state, unwilling to speak, eat, or move, and apparently deeply suicidal.

Yes Cynthia, you're so right, the end of life can be very messy indeed, and my dad seems determined to make it as messy as possible. I have tried to persuade him to graciously submit to reality and adapt to the nursing facility, but he just won't. I offered to bring him home for day visits once a week, but no dice.

I'm disappointed in him. The bravery he showed in combat in WWII is nowhere to be seen.

If the only alternative for him is rapid death then I will have to try to bring him back home, whatever the consequences for him, me, and my long-suffering mother.

[mercurygirl]

Sorry to hear about your new difficulties. Surely, if his VA benefits pay for nursing home care, they will cover some in-home care alternatively? If the solution is to bring him back home, that would help immensely.

Wishing you all well.

[Ferretlover]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Heineken', 'Y')esterday the nursing home called and told us Dad had been moved to Richmond's VA med center (which has treated him for his PTSD and other problems for many years, with me as the "ambulance" driver). He was in some sort of catatonic state, unwilling to speak, eat, or move, and apparently deeply suicidal.
I'm disappointed in him. The bravery he showed in combat in WWII is nowhere to be seen.

[Heineken]

Dad is back in the nursing home, the crisis over for now. The details of what happened in the psychiatric unit are unclear.

Today we called Dad and told him he should come home when the doctors say it's OK for him to do so. We said we'll just cope as best we can for as long as we can. Dad was ecstatic.

At least he has something to live for now, the poor dear. I can't take away his hope.

[Heineken]

This is an update for those who have followed this little tale of woe, and have had such kind things to say.

My dad fell in the nursing home and broke a hip for the THIRD time.

I had begged the goddamned nursing home not, under any circumstances, to let my dad attempt to walk unassisted, but my pleadings were apparently ignored. And sure enough, he fell again and broke a hip again.

He was ambulanced to the McGuire VA Med Center in Richmond, and admitted.

It is a complicated fracture, located close to the previous fracture on the femoral neck. They can't operate yet. He is in traction as they attempt to reposition the ends of the femur more favorably for surgery. He's on a morphine pump and oral oxycodone, but he says these take only the edge off the pain. He says he can feel the ends of bone moving whenever he moves.

The surgeon seems to feel that an artificial hip isn't an option, which suggests to me that Dad's femur isn't substantial enough to receive one. I'm no expert, but that seems like a bad prognostic sign.

What a nightmare. I feel so sorry for him and so helpless. Sick to my stomach, really.

Whatever happened to tanned, fit, black-haired Dad of 40 years ago? Time. Time. Time. The leveler of us all, and of all things.

[gampy]

Surgery at your father's age is probably very risky. Just the anaethesia will more than likely leave him off much worse. My grandmother had the broken hip, surgery, and then straight to the old folks home, and then death from pneumonia. All within about a 6 month time span.

Tough break for you and your Dad, Heineken. Good luck, and you have my prayers.

[threadbear]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('PenultimateManStanding', '')$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('jasonraymondson', ' ')
They are both far superior men than I

[threadbear]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Heineken', 'T')his is an update for those who have followed this little tale of woe, and have had such kind things to say.

My dad fell in the nursing home and broke a hip for the THIRD time.

I had begged the goddamned nursing home not, under any circumstances, to let my dad attempt to walk unassisted, but my pleadings were apparently ignored. And sure enough, he fell again and broke a hip again.

He was ambulanced to the McGuire VA Med Center in Richmond, and admitted.

It is a complicated fracture, located close to the previous fracture on the femoral neck. They can't operate yet. He is in traction as they attempt to reposition the ends of the femur more favorably for surgery. He's on a morphine pump and oral oxycodone, but he says these take only the edge off the pain. He says he can feel the ends of bone moving whenever he moves.

The surgeon seems to feel that an artificial hip isn't an option, which suggests to me that Dad's femur isn't substantial enough to receive one. I'm no expert, but that seems like a bad prognostic sign.

What a nightmare. I feel so sorry for him and so helpless. Sick to my stomach, really.

Whatever happened to tanned, fit, black-haired Dad of 40 years ago? Time. Time. Time. The leveler of us all, and of all things.

[threadbear]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('JJ', '')$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Shannymara', 'I') mean it when I say I can't imagine what this is like for you and your family. It's too far outside my range of experiences so far. All I can tell is that it's horrible in many ways, and I'm sorry for you and your family.

I am curious what your father would prefer you all do, and also what you wish you could do if you weren't constrained legally and circumstantially, if you feel like talking about it.

I didn't know one of my grandfathers, and the other died suddenly of a heart attack. Last year when he was dying of lung cancer my dad (79, also a heavy combat vet) asked me to kill him if he was going to linger on in pain more than a couple of days. We were lucky it didn't come to that. I think (but I'm not certain) my mother would rather die than be in a nursing home, unless it was one for rich people like the one my grandmother lived in for the last 3 years of her life. But that's different, because she was really living. My other grandmother died in a more typical nursing home, where I would also use the word "inmate," but I was living abroad and didn't see her during those years, which is why I can't identify more with your own experiences.

[Heineken]

I suppose this is just about the final move for Dad in life's game of chess.

If he has surgery, it will be in a very weakened condition, coming off two previous hip fractures, two operations, and five months in nursing homes with terrible food.

He's a tough bird and has beaten the odds before (including against the Wehrmacht), but I can feel the end closing in, this time. One broken hip in an octogenarian is serious enough, but three?

On the phone he was still talking about "coming home." And saying semi-crazy things, like he wanted his shoes, his clothes, and his Chapstick.

In a way he's very lucky, to have all that free medical care. At least he's getting good drugs. Me, I don't even have health insurance. I don't resent this disparity, I merely note it as a sign of the times (or at least, of MY times).

[Heineken]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('threadbear', 'S')o sorry to hear this, Heineken. I guess the staff can't possibly keep that close tabs on everyone...but it's no excuse. They should hire more staff. Life is such a joy, such a pain, and ultimately so humbling, because we are all subject, as you describe, to the levelling.