[Heineken]

Some of you expressed interest in the plight of my 82-year-old dad, who fell and broke one of his hips last autumn. After six weeks in a nursing home, he returned home in January. (There had been some discussion about sending both him and my mother to a "life care center" and my selling my Virginia farm and moving north, but the decision was made to stay here and hang on as long as possible, with Dad being cared for at home.)

Well, a few weeks ago he fell again (despite all precautions) and broke his other hip.

Now he's in another nursing home, this time for good. His problems are too complex for my old mom and me to handle.

He's a WWII combat vet with a 100% service-connected disability rating, so all costs will be covered by the VA. In our profoundly sick society that's a real miracle. It's a miracle that we won't be financially devastated by the last couple of years of my Dad's life.

I had to visit him yesterday and tell him he would not be coming home, back to his beloved farm. Now that was tough.

The outlook for an octogenarian with two broken hips is very, very poor.

It's heartbreaking walking around our acreage and seeing all the little signs of Dad's life. The sawhorses he built, long since falling apart. The bridge he built, with his signature on it, still legible after 20 years. The trees he planted, rising hopefully into the pale Virginia sky.

A nursing home is an instructive place to visit. Doing so will give you a harsh, poignant lesson on how to live your own life while you can.

Frankly I can't understand the point of nursing homes at all---other than to make corporations rich. They are houses of living death. People waiting to die, their bodily functions being ministered to.

When my time comes I will know what to do.

[vision-master]

If he will never walk again, his time is short.

My Mother broke her hip about two years ago. She will be 89 next Month. She is able to live in a seniors building so far and uses a walker. She totaled out her car about 9 Months ago - no more driving either.

I don't want to live that long!

[Stratovarius]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('vision-master', 'I') don't want to live that long!

[Iaato]

Sorry, Heineken. You've got the right idea. What our health care system does in the name of prolonging life is missing some perspective, I think. In some ways we've gotten too good at the mechanics of sustaining life without looking adequately at quality. I'm with you. But it's sad. It's wonderful that you could keep him home as long as you did.

[vision-master]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Stratovarius', '')$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('vision-master', 'I') don't want to live that long!

[SpringCreekFarm]

I remember that thread Heiniken and I was one of the ones who recommended a home for your folks while they were still OK. I've been through this and for what it's worth, it sucked but you have to make the hard decisions.

My dad was sad when he had to leave his home and the farm but he got over it and actually had an incredible last few years of his life. He adjusted. We have to adjust to the changes in life no matter how sad they seem.

I'm really really sad and sorry that it went down this way for you Heineken. All the best.

[vision-master]

"You can never go home"

- Bob Dylan

[mercurygirl]

Heineken, kind wishes and sympathy to you and your family.

It's time to say all you need to to your Dad while he still has his faculties. Two broken hips isn't good, but he still could have a good long time. My husband's grandmother has been wheelchair-bound for years and in a home after a badly broken leg for several years now.

It's a good thing that he has 24/7 care and that they aren't getting any of your family's money.

Pneumonia used to be "the old man's friend", but now they'll use all their best meds to keep the income rolling in.

[blukatzen]

hello my friend,

I am saddened to hear your latest news, but this was not unexpected..not wished for, but not unexpected.
The path you must walk for yourself is starting to become clearer, and I think for now, you must wait and see what your father's prognosis is, hoping he does not catch pneumonia or something like that whilst he is less mobile...but it may occur.

I had just attended a wake the other day for a fellow manager of our company, her 79-year old mother, passed of various illnesses and complaints. She told me her mother was "just tired out". It may be how your father retires his life. He may be..just tired. As you are, on the caregivers' end.

...and then, remember, that you have friends here, those that care for the caregivers.
You have my number, Heineken. Call me.

Blu

[dinopello]

You have my sympathy, Heineken. My 88 yo dad (also WWII vet) is one after another getting injuries that don't heal, including alzheimers. My 88 yo mother had been caring for him but she fell and broke her rotator cuff and needs surgery. She's actually in pretty good shape and is very tough stock. She would just as soon not get the surgery and use her left arm (and deal with the pain). There is no easy way to deal with this.

I just can't bear imagine what happens when the baby boom generation is in their 80's and just the shear magnitude of that whole situation.

[Heineken]

Thank you every last one for your kind thoughts and interesting perspectives. You are a good bunch, you hardcore lifer POers.

I am pessimistic about my dad's prospects because he is a combat-PTSD loner type and not likely to engage in the social activities (sing-alongs, prayer sessions, bingo games, etc.) that help keep nursing-home inmates going. Instead, he will withdraw more and more into himself, and just fade away until an infection or something claims him.

Also he has osteoporosis from prostate cancer treatment (including bilateral orchiectomy) 15 years ago. His bone density is terrible.

Even if he can take a few steps with a walker (he can), I don't think he should without someone standing beside him, since he has lost all sense of balance. So getting him walking independently again is a therapeutic goal inconsistent with his continued survival. I've made this very clear to the nursing-home administrators.

His big sister died last month---another shock.

When I squeezed his hand yesterday he did not squeeze back. He is angry with us, even though we can do no more for him than we have. Sometimes it's never enough.

We (including I) talk about death and dieoff on this website in grandiose terms, but the truth is these events happen one at a time, tragically and painfully for those involved. Statistics are so cruel and cold and empty.

Love,

Heineken

[Olaf]

Sending good thoughts your way Heineken.

Sometimes when you think you can't handle it anymore, you just end up handling it a bit more.

You've done what you can, and hopefully you'll be able to make your father understand that.

I often find simple quotations comforting. I offer these to you:

"After your time of greatness is over
You should never look back and say what if?
Because if you gave it all you had in your heart,
There is nothing more you could have done.
So the question is, did you give it your all?"
-Unknown


"Where you end up isn't the most important thing,
It's the road you take to get there.
The road you take is what you'll look back on and call your life.
Not reaching success isn't the end of the world;
Not trying is."
--- Tim Wiley ---

[jasonraymondson]

I am not as old as you all, heck my grandfather is only 77. But I start to see the time catching up with him. It wasn't 10 years ago, that he would get up at 4:30 every morning and put in more work (working on houses that he remodled, mowing the lawn, gardening, and about a billion other things) now he has trouble waking up at 6:30 and can only work for 5 or 6 hours before he is completely done for. He still has a sharp mind, but I have even noticed that is slowly but surely giving out on him.

As far as my father, he use to be body builder and powerlifter who worked 2 jobs and ran another company on the side. Until he got hit by a semi. Now he has trouble getting around, and all of that time he spend body building is all for naught.



Then there is me, who didn't crawl out of bed till 9:30 this morning and who doesn't work a single job.

They are both far superior men than I

[PenultimateManStanding]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('jasonraymondson', ' ')
They are both far superior men than I

[RedStateGreen]

Wow, what a tough thing to be going through.

My inlaws are in their 80's now. My sister in law and her husband take care of them, but I can see the same thing coming. My mother in law has had cancer three times now, she started downhill with the last surgery, three years ago this month. My father in law (another WWII GI, was in the south Pacific) is almost blind and deaf and has emphysema and osteoporosis, already broke his back in three places five years ago. That's when he started going downhill. He was working part time as a handyman until he was 83, did all the yardwork, gardened, etc. It's so hard going back to see them now, it's like they've dimmed.

I think your dad might not be mad at you, maybe he's just mad at life and the fact he's ended up where he is. It would be difficult to get used to not being able to ever go home again.

I bet if you give him some time he'll get through it.

I remember a old lady I used to transport to her doctors appointments a lot back when I was an EMT. She was real reclusive, but she loved the Dodgers, would keep memorabilia, listen to the games on the radio, had pennants in her room at the nursing home, she would write to the players even. She just loved the Dodgers, and that was her life. She really never went out of her room except to see the doctors, but she found a way to be happy about it. I don't know if there's something he loves that he could recapture there or if he's just too far gone for that even, but you never know how people will react to things until they're there.

Anyway, I don't know if any of that helps but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your family.

[mercurygirl]

I was pondering this for awhile and I think RedState is right. Your Dad may think he's mad at all of you, but it's really the circumstances.

We all go through our lives as if we're in control of them and it is oftentimes infuriating and terrifying when someone or something forces us to realize how little we are in control of. I bet your Dad has seen a lot, but I'd be willing to bet that he's scared and mad because of it. After all, he's facing the end of his life.

I hope for you to find some ways of moving beyond this stage and help him to not be afraid and angry.

[TheTurtle]

My thoughts are with you, Heineken.

[WildRose]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('mercurygirl', '
')
We all go through our lives as if we're in control of them and it is oftentimes infuriating and terrifying when someone or something forces us to realize how little we are in control of. I bet your Dad has seen a lot, but I'd be willing to bet that he's scared and mad because of it.

[Ayoob]

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.