by Ayoob_Reloaded » Sat 05 Feb 2005, 14:23:27
Best one I ever saw was on TV a couple nights ago. I think it was called "The State of the Union Address."
To summarize:
"My fellow Republicans. Everything good with you? I'm feeling pretty good. Had that war (APPLAUSE)... had a great vote there (APPLAUSE). i got a woman up there who voted. she's pretty happy, so i don't know why some of you are so grumpy bout this whole war thingie. I'll exploit her for personal gain later.
let me explain to you how Social Security works. You put money in, you get it when you retire. Problem is, if you're under 55, you won't get it... that's my guarantee. It's going bankrupt. (APPLAUSE) Let me explain to you my plan to take your money and put it in a private account and then watch how my friends get rich from the money you invest in them... money you won't get back. or maybe you'll get 10-20% so i don't look that evil. Let me say a quick shout out to the folks on the other side of the aisle, cause i think they're saying hello. Everythings on the table democrats. Okay, that should shut them up. (APPLAUSE) Ownership Society.
Syria is probably coming up with ways to destroy 'Merica now, so's Iran. We got democracy everywhere else, why not there? Afghanistan is looking pretty good to me, Iraq's coming along just nicely. Freedom is never looking so good. (APPLAUSE)
Marriage must be protected from activist judges that are so active one day one of them will outlaw marriage. then where would we be? with the queers. I don't want that, do you? (APPLAUSE) So we must ban lawyers from receiving money and gays from receiving marriage! (BIG APPLAUSE)
'Merica is a place where we do not discriminate against other people like me, good folks as we in Texas would call me. Everyone should be included. Did i talk about gays yet? How they're not included? Yeah? Good. Criminals are included, we're gonna help them, so long as they're not.. you know.
I made some jobs and I planted some seeds of democracy. Unfortunately, when you plant seeds, you got to tear up the earth. You can't plant a seed on top. Sometimes I use people as my shovel. Let me tell you about one of my shovels. He died protecting our freedoms. Let's bring out his parents! You've just won a new car! (APPLAUSE)
Okay, that just about does it from here. love those purple fingers!
hmm, I was going to say something about the environment, energy conservation, veteran & death benefits, tsunami relief, genocide in africa, and a whole list of other things... maybe next term. I shoulda said some more about education, and maybe actually talked details with you folks, but that's what the closed door meetings are for, right? right? (APPLAUSE)
okay then, good night blah blah, may god continue to bless this mess.
(APPLAUSE)"
(shamelessly stolen from DU)