[evilgenius]

Sounds to me like you already know what to do.

I know somebody who takes care of an infirmed (chairbound) mother. Her mother refuses to go into a home. She enjoys taking care of her mom because she has a need to be needed complex. This has gone on for at least a decade and shows no sign of abating. I couldn't do it.

At the same time my family is falling apart back in the States. My dad is dying from prostate cancer and my mom (who is just like yours) is alienating everybody except my problem sister (oh, that too will come in time). Bridges will be burned. Thank God my brother is up to the challenge of caring for my dad, so that I don't have to give up everything and go back (not that there is a place for me anyway). It is the unwinding of my dad's story really, not my story if you get my drift. I've been caught in my dad's story for too long. I've spent the meaningful time with him. I need to get away and do my own thing now. I can go back when the time is actually short.

[dinopello]

Is there any compromise possible - like having a home nurse come as needed to do some of the more unpleasant stuff ? A guy at work does this for his mother-in-law. My parents are at that age (87 each) and still live in the house I grew up in but are getting to the point where we have similar decisions. It's really tough and each parent is different as they age in terms of the mental and physical stress they go through and can inflict. Good luck with everything, it is a tough decision.

[SpringCreekFarm]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'A') few of you don't seem to realize what's potentially involved in this. Changing beds. Washing clothes, including clothes stained by urine and feces. Dressing and undressing bodies. Preparing meals and spoon-feeding them into mouths. Administering medications at clockwork intervals. Cleaning butts and emptying urinals. It's bottomless. It's endless.

[FoolYap]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Heineken', 'I')'m 52 now; I've spent 30 years working and finally get some retirement going, and now I have to keep on working?

A few of you don't seem to realize what's potentially involved in this. Changing beds. Washing clothes, including clothes stained by urine and feces. Dressing and undressing bodies. Preparing meals and spoon-feeding them into mouths. Administering medications at clockwork intervals. Cleaning butts and emptying urinals. It's bottomless. It's endless.

Yes, they will die one day, but by then I could be dead too, spiritually and emotionally. Or maybe literally, after blasting out my brains.

[drgoodword]

Heineken:

You indeed have a difficult decision, and I deeply sympathize with your dilema. However, I think if you apply the golden rule, much will be clearer: do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Would you want your middle aged child to sacrifice almost everything to by your nursemaid in the extremity of your senior years if other reasonable options were available?

If the only option was homecare, then I'd say you have a moral obligation to go that route. But you seem to have other reasonable, workable options. Put yourself in their shoes, but with your current clarity of mind, and ask yourself what you would want and expect. I think that's where you'll find your answer.

[Pops]

I’d think if the VA would pay for a nursing home they would pay for a visiting nurse wouldn’t they?

Oh, FPG and others already said that.

Otherwise, I’m with PMS, I made sure my Mom could die in her own bed and hope my kids will help me do likewise.

Susan just lost her Mom 2 days before Christmas and it was pretty tough for to not have been there, guilt for the things we didn't do (even if we couldn't) is just as bad as guilt for what we did.

Best of luck, Heni.

[oowolf]

Good luck dude, you're going need it.
My mate died from ALS, a horrificly cruel death for a gifted woodcarver. Towards the end I broke down and her mother and sister had to finish caring for her. I wanted to take her into the woods and blow her brains out, which I still think would have been better, but I couldn't do it.
My folks had the grace to die already. I intend to NEVER go through anything that again.
TEOTWAWKI will be a cakewalk now. I've been to Hell already.

oowolf, expert in despair and grief.

[RonMN]

Just throwing out an idea here...

Perhaps there is a qualified person to assist them for room & board.

With the economy going into the shitter, maybe there's a 55-60 year old nurse who just needs food & a place to live. With that big of a house, it shouldn't be a problem to make up a spare room.

Just a thought.

Good luck!

[WildRose]

Heineken, there is a limit to what one person can do. You know where that limit is when you start to feel resentment and feel overwhelmed, which is not good for your health and really not good for your relationship with your parents. Also, you have your relationship with your partner to consider, which may be central to your life well into your future. By your previous postings (in various threads), I know that you have taken care of your parents for some time now, without help from your sibling, and are a very kind and thoughtful son.

If you feel you can't continue to do this, with all it entails, then something has to change. Others have suggested having people come in and help, to give you some relief, but if such measures are not workable or not enough, then finding the best care for your parents that you can possibly find, in a suitable place close to where you want to move, is probably best all around. I feel you would not just abandon them somewhere; you would be there to see them whenever you could and would keep on top of things regarding their care and best interests, correct? You should not feel guilty about this.

I don't mean to sound harsh or uncaring, I really feel for you and your situation and I know you love your parents. But I feel that each person has to decide for themselves when enough is enough, and I have known people who have had a stroke or a breakdown doing more than they can handle. A move may be difficult for your parents, but as a couple of other posters mentioned, the social aspects of a good seniors' home may delight your parents. Also, if you assure them that you will still be significant in their lives, that should ease their transition and give them some peace and continuity.

You have a lot to consider. I will you all the best.

Rose

[threadbear]

People really lose perspective on this issue. It's one thing to "look after" a parent who is relatively pleasant and needs odd jobs looked after, and some meal preparation. That's what is known as, assisted living. But diapers, lifting, etc--- for-freaking-get it! I read something very interesting the other day about what the Japanese, who are an age revering culture do, or used to do. As soon as the revered grandparent could no longer take care of their personal needs they ended their own lives, as they would not put themselves through the indignity, and their children through the physical and mental anguish of caring for them.

We are pathologically attached to life, in this culture, no matter how crappy (literally) and self and other destructive it is.

If I get to that place where I can't take care of my basic needs, I'm going down to Mexico, or Thailand, hiring a few strong backed individuals, and then I'm going out in a blaze of heroin, with a smile on my face.

[threadbear]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('oowolf', 'G')ood luck dude, you're going need it.
My mate died from ALS, a horrificly cruel death for a gifted woodcarver. Towards the end I broke down and her mother and sister had to finish caring for her. I wanted to take her into the woods and blow her brains out, which I still think would have been better, but I couldn't do it.
My folks had the grace to die already. I intend to NEVER go through anything that again.
TEOTWAWKI will be a cakewalk now. I've been to Hell already.

oowolf, expert in despair and grief.

[oowolf]

SUBTRACTED. I'll be a short-tempered, crabby, miserable slob, carrying a Statue-of-Liberty-sized torch the rest of my life.
But, we all knew life's a bitch...anyway, this is about Heinie's dilemma...
The more you love, the more you hurt; that's the price of love, I guess.

[mmasters]

Sounds like you have to make a stand on this one and find someone to take care of them full or part time. Do your parents realize the extent of which their problems are becoming yours? Have you expressed your feelings about the matter to them? Perhaps you're a different type of person with different values then theirs and their expectations aren't fair? Are there any other arrangements that might be more accommodative for all envolved? Perhaps a nursing home in VA? Some things to note about upstate NY are cold weather, lots of snow, big heating bills and very high taxes. Have you thought about renting out your parents house or subdividing it? I've noticed a trend over time where Virginia is absorbing more outsiders which is marginalizing the bible belt there to some extent.

[RedStateGreen]

I don't do advice but my thoughts are with you.

[Heineken]

Well, you're an incredible bunch of people. Some of you have been there when it comes to this stuff, and some of you can clearly imagine what it might be like, or know that you too will have to face these issues.

This response is directed to all of you and to those of you who have PM'd me.

I don't feel at all comfortable with the concept of nurses either visiting or staying here to take care of them. An environment like that isn't much different from a nursing home itself. Also, the layout of their house doesn't lend itself too well to that, even though it's a fairly large house (but by no means a McMansion). The nearest large city is an hour away. This option would be fantastically expensive, and I think the stress for me would continue---strangers driving in and out all the time, my mother complaining to me about such-and-such nurse, nurses quitting, etc.

I know I can't do it myself---the laying-on of hands kind of care, that is---for all the reasons you've listed and more. I don't have the inner strength, the skills, the ability to sacrifice myself completely for what could be many years.

I have done so much for them for so long. But a few weeks ago my mother remarked to me, "You don't do enough for us." That cut me to the quick.

I guess it's never enough. Human needs and desires, unless internally restrained by reason and wisdom, fill all available space like a volatile gas. That statement could explain, too, the planetary dilemma we now face.

I have an appointment on Monday with a sales person at an assisted-living place in Syracuse, about six hours north of here. I have seen the photos and read the brochure and it seems like a very pleasant location (Fayetteville, just north of the main city). I plan to keep that appointment no matter what my doubts, fears, guilt, and self-recriminations. At 5 a.m. I'm going to get in that truck and drive, drive, drive up I-81 along the ancient, gnarled spine of the Appalachians. My parents' income will more than cover the monthly rate, although, as they become sicker, "care steps" start getting added to the rate. My dad's VA benefits will offset much of the cost, but lately he's been looking especially sick. He may not even make it up there out of the nursing home he's in down here (to recover from his broken hip). The thing is to get my mom situated.

Two hours north of Syracuse, squeezed between Fort Drum and Adirondack State Park, is a 58-acre property with a deep, 16-acre lake and a small, modest, and old but serviceable house heated with wood. I can afford to buy it, by selling gold. So I'm going to continue on up there and look it over. This is in one of the coldest places in the country. From there, I could periodically visit my parents. I have fantasies about being out on that lake in a rowboat and fishing for trout. Or ice fishing. The owner has warned me that the beguiling photos (taken in summer) and the reality aren't necessarily the same thing. Boy is that true. But I also have to consider economic reality, PO, and global warming.

If I buy that place I have to liquidate the Virginia properties and furniture. My companion can help me with that---he could stay here and coordinate a sale or auction. The proceeds would be divided between the parents and us.

If I don't buy that place we can just stay here for the time being---preparing the place for sale and looking elsewhere, hopefully within driving distance of the parents.

So much to do. I can do it if I can just get control over my emotions. With that and more, you guys have helped me so much!

[RonMN]

I commend your decision Heineken.

It wont ever "be enough" in that situation. You would wear y'rself to a frazzle, end up bitter, and not achieving the results you want for your folks anyway.

Best of luck to you!

[dbruning]

Heineken,

This situation is one of those times when you can't win either way. Do the very best you feel you can for yourself and your parents and then put away any feelings of regret or inadequacy. Always remember when you look back on this that you tried to do the best you could, and no matter what happens, that your intent was good.

Intent is what is important here.

No matter what you choose in this, you have my sympathy and good wishes.

[Olaf]

Drive safe, the weather up here has sucked lately.

Good luck to you. You've clearly got a lot on your plate.

P.S. I think Fayettville is directly east of the City.

Olafr

[Heineken]

Looks like the weather will be miraculously good early next week, Olaf. Maybe it's fate, God, whatever.

[lateStarter]

The 'caretaker' thing is worth a shot. We are trying that at the moment. We have a woman from the Ukraine living in the house. It is not perfect, but it does allow us to get out of the house once in awhile when she is here. She just had to return because her mother had to go into the hospital. Hopefully, she will be back soon.

My mother-in-law doesn't like it, but my wife explained that she is here for us, not her! We can't and aren't willing to surrender the rest of our lives to wait on her hand and foot (and all the other nasty stuff mentioned already). We don't have a choice, because even if we could find a 'home' that my wife was comfortable with here in Warsaw, we are pretty sure that they would be calling us back within 3 days to come get her. If the patient is non-cooperative, they can do that. Can't blame them either.

The caretaker does introduce another element into the equation though that will require your time and energy, especially if your parents won't 'accept' her/him. You will constantly have to mediate. Recently, my mother-in-law started showing up in the care-takers sleeping area in the middle of the night, turning the lights on, and sitting down, and clearing her throat and fussing around for hours on end.

My mother-in-law is the most selfish person I have ever met in my life. I understand why my wife emigrated to Canada many years ago after listening to her 'horror' stories. Anyway, for the moment, like you, we are stuck. Personally, I don't think you should feel bad. You are not neglecting them, and they will actually get better 24x7 care than you will ever be able to provide at home. I wouldn't even worry about moving up there unless you were seriously considering that before. You should be able to visit a couple of times/year for the forseeable future.

I undertand the financial side though too (wrt to your mother). My mother is having the same battle at the moment with her mother (70 yo woman taking care 97 yo). She has accepted the fact that she can't do it anymore, but the costs she is looking at are astronomical.

How did it ever end up like this. Something is not right in both the way we live, and the way we die... Sorry for the long-windedness, but I feel your pain, believe me! Hang in there and keep us updated.