[PrairieMule]

On the night before Christmas, when all through the compound
Not a soul was stirring, no man discharged a round,
The 419 Emails sent with care,
In hopes that the MOST URGENT RESPONSES would soon be there;
The nigerian bankers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar daddy investors danced in their heads.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the laptop to see what was the matter.
The noise was so loud, it sounded like a bomb,
it distracting me from my posting on peakoil.com
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
A truck overturned in a terrible crash.

Beer bottles littered the highway like new-fallen snow
The West African sun gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
Nine overturned palates of American beer,
With a little old driver not so lively or quick,
with a burned out clutch that make the transmission stick.

More rapid than hungry crocodiles the villagers came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name
"Now, Danasabe! now, Ambaga! now, Yewande and Dwesen!
On, Yohanna! on Gambo! Oh ja the goods dey need fixen!
Come off of the porch! jump over the highway barrier wall!
Now loot away! loot away! loot away all!".

As they approched the truck all ready to fleece,
they met a new obstacle: The Abuja Police,
So from the house-top the burning tires they threw,
It ignighted a Texaco Pipeline, and British Petroleum one too!
From a old nissan with a coat of rust on the roof
the gas tank ignited up in a thunderous poof.

As I gazed in amazement of the clash going down,
Down the alley way Nigerian Army came around.
The General was dressed for battle from his beret to his boot,
inside a Mercedes purchased from ill gotten loot;
A bundle of medals to many to track,
And he ordered the forward tank column to open attack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
he spilled more blood than the last 15 min of DePalma's Carrie!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And nose traced blood from columbian snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
his sabre rattled now drawn from his sheath.

He had a dark face and a well rounded belly,
the kind of dictator you see on the BBC telly
now the his entourage was a circus itself,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
letting all the locals know where not to tread.


He spoke many a word of his great UN works,
The Gulfstream III you see is just one of the perks,
He ordered his troops with a very loud whistle,
to fire at once with the french made missle.
But I heard him exclaim, mortaring half the of tribes,
"Merry Christmas to all, thank you for the bribes."

[PrairieMule]

Now we shall hear the Naija Boys Episcopal Choir

[Ayoob]

Your genius is wasted on us. Please find a way to publish this elsewhere.

[PrairieMule]

Oh how I love the Christmas music. Let us hear the most humorous Christmas reflections by an alleged Ex CIA spook.

Dr.Elmo

Now that's what I call a "White Christmas"!

[Ferretlover]

*applause* Author, Author! *more applause*

[PrairieMule]

I saw Mommy bribing the nigerian official because
Lagos International airport is such a fright.
She it wasn't cheap
300 dollars they did reap
She thought the officials plucked
no bid contracts that are very steep.
Then, I saw Mommy evade Nigeria's custom laws
payola under the table to make things right
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If CNN had only seen
Mommy bribing the policeman last night

[efarmer]

you'll be homely Christmas
ran that scam on me
took my dough from bank escrow
and other dirty deeds

Christmas Eve will find you
drooling at your screen
dough? no go for Christmas
not even in your dreams

Efarmer

[Ferretlover]

I am moving this back to Open since I see no reason for it to be in the HOF.

[PenultimateManStanding]

Game's all through you know
No fixes on the way
O'r the cliff we we go
To everyone's dismay
Bells of doom they ring
Calls of fear and fright
No fun it is to laugh and sing
When oil goes in the night

Oh, oy-el wells oy-el wells
Don't do us this way
Oh what fun it is to ride
But there's no more horse today
Oy-el wells oy-el wells
Don't do us this way
No place now to run and hide
Born here and here I'll stay

[PrairieMule]

Dear Friends,

Are the children driving you up the wall waiting for Santa?

Nothing entertains the children like a Nigerian Mad Libs. Please feel free use this for your pleasure. I should warn you, This a very powerful financial tool. So if you post your results please keep it within the COC.




(MR./MRS.)(NAME)
(OCCUPATION), Accounting Department.
(BANK, COUNTRY)

Dear (SIR/MAM),

I am (NAME - LAST, FIRST), the (OCCUPATION) in charge of Auditing and Accounting section of (BANK NAME) of Nigeria with due respect and regards. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction.

During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to (NAME) who died on (DATE) in a (FORM OF DEATH) and the fund has been dormant in his/her account with this bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation.

Although personally, I kept this information secret within myself to enable the whole (SINGULAR NOUN)s and idea be (ADVERB) and successful during the time of execution.

The said amount was USD$ (EXTREMELY HIGH NUMBER),(SPELL OUT NUMBER). I am (ADJECTIVE) to say that with the introduction of internet and Website, I was opportune and (ADJECTIVE) to have come across your Contact through this satellite media. As it may Interest you to know, Meanwhile all the arrangement to put claim over this (NOUN) as the bonafide next of kin to the deceased, get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place.

Directives and needed information will be (VERB) to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to (ADVERB) assist us and also benefit your self through this (ADJECTIVE) business opportunity.

In fact I could have done this deal alone but because Of my position in this country as a civil servant, we are not allowed to (VERB) a foreign account, this is the actual reason why it will require a (NOUN) Or (NOUN) who will forward claims as the next of kin. With affidavit of trust to this bank and also Present a foreign account where he will need the money to be retransfer into. I will not fail to (VERB) you that this transaction is 100% (ADJECTIVE).

On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to (NUMBER LESS THAN 20%) of the total Sum as gratification, while (NUMBER LESS THAN 5%) will be set aside upon conclusion, to take care of expenses that may arise during the time Of transfer both local and international like (NOUN), (PLURAL NOUN), e.t.c, while (PERCENTAGE) will be for me and my partner.

All other necessary information will be sent to you When I hear from you. I suggest you get back to me on my private e-mail address: (YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS) as Soon as possible stating your wish in this deal.

Your brother in (FAMOUS HISTORICAL FIGURE),


(FULL NAME - LAST, MIDDLE, FIRST)

[eastbay]

I once read these guys gain bank account and other personal information from somewhere about one out of every 10,000 spam emails they send.

Probably better than playing the market right now.