[Heineken]

Well? Are you, punk?

I am. All my life (since my earliest memories) I've been outside the crowd. Never quite fit in. Felt uncomfortable and awkward around strangers, and a sense of conflict and competition with them. Didn't have many friends, and didn't long keep the ones I had. Believed in nutty things like peak oil (although I didn't call it that then) and environmental collapse. Was attracted to the empty places, to forests, to animals. Disliked most of the mainstream stuff, like shopping, football, and McDonald's.

I'm prepared to be friendly with people, but I just don't know how to begin. It's as though those neuronal tracts are hopelessly stunted.

Share your thoughts about lonerdom, whether you are one or not.

[Ferretlover]

I think that I have always exhibited some aspect of self-imposed xenophobia.
I could never (and still can't) understand people who thought that the only people who had "value" were those who were excessively rich, smart or beautiful, those who only drove a certain kind of car, or knew someone "important;" or, those who wore a certain designer, or size, had a certain hair color, or had a certain kind of employment, etc.
Those kinds of people make no sense to me, and therefore, I have always assumed that other choices or decisions they make in their lives must also be suspect. So, I avoid them.
For many decades, I have kept my personal "inner circle" quite small: family, and non-family (favorite cousin status) only.
It works for me.

edited typo.

[drew]

You are a freak with huge thighs, that is why you are alone!

26.5, even bigger than Curt Harnett's, who I met!

Back on topic now, I am most definitely a loner, although I am very sociable generally.

That contradiction is explained by the fact that I let very few people into my inner sanctum.

Aside from my immediate family (who I am very close too) I have 3 people whom I consider close friends.

I have many acquaintances through work who's company I enjoy at work that I never hang out with. I do not go to any company events either.

Drew

[Byron100]

I hear ya about you not fitting in with the "crowd". I can even remember the time (as a small child) when I figured out that growth couldn't continue forever, as there's only so much room to put houses, malls and roads, let alone having enough land to feed everyone. This was such a basic, simple understanding, I just could not figure out why everyone else didn't feel the same way I did.

I didn't have too many friends growing up, either...I felt more comfortable conversing with adults than I did with other kids my age...lol. Not to say I had trouble getting along with people; I just enjoyed being alone more than most people did. And while I did live in a city and partook of the Age of Materialism that came about in the late 70's and the 1980's, I've always been close to nature and I've always had a deep passion for weather, especially extreme events. During thunderstorms, I'd be outside more often than in...LOL. And some of my fondest memories are of me spending summers on my grandparent's farm - I loved that place! To me, that was the "good life"...being on the land, living in harmony with nature and the seasons.

And don't worry about not having many friends in so-called "real life", Heiny. What many people consider as "friends" aren't true friends, IMO. This whole thing about having the "right" clothes and the "right" car and living the "American dream" is just total BS to me, and I have no desire to be a part of it. Besides, I'm sure you have lots of friends here on Peak Oil.

It'd sure be cool if we could have a Peak Oil convention someday...I'd love to meet some of you guys in person.

[Carlhole]

Me too.

Always needed to be by myself ever since I was a kid. I've had lots of friends when I was younger; plenty of girlfriends too. But I never shook off the feeling of comfort I have when I'm alone. And the older I get, the less I seem to need friends.

When I've had to be around people for a while, I seem to get my fill quickly and then I look forward to getting off by myself again.

I really liked where I lived in California for a long time because I could enjoy being alone outside at night too. I really like that. The night seems so friendly to me but generally not so to other people. Hmm...

For years, I had a dog. Me and her were often outside for hours and hours at night cruising around or playing dog-frisbee or whatever. I used to run along a flat dirt path that followed a stream bed that emptied into a wetland off a bay. There were all kinds of large birds out there that you didn't see during the day. I used to love that whole place -- the desert night air, the moon and star light, the city lights off in the distance, the dank, swampy smell, the sounds of toads and insects, the occasional fright from being cruised by an owl... it was a great place to be alone. Ahhh, wish I were there now. I'd fire up a fat one and wing that friz out into the bay, listen to the dog splash off after it...

I don't think I could ALWAYS be alone, though. When I take personality tests, I always seem to score exactly in the middle between introvert and extrovert.

[killJOY]

Both of us are.



Not joking.

It helps to be partnered with a fellow misfit. The secret to such a successful relationship (+20 years) is "benign indifference." We like to be left alone.

I have a gene missing. Prevents me from participating in politics & clubs.

My social fears are great. I took medication for it for awhile. It worked! Then I consulted my Doctor, Dick Withers, about the side effects.

I've chosen not to take the meds anymore.


I'm OK with close friends and family. I play in two old time string bands. I teach and have no problem with classrooms full of idiots I mean college students.

But I can't "socialize" or "network" or "hang out" with people casually. I have zero friendships with people at my various jobs. I'm not part of my fire department's "Family," it's totally professional. Nor do I hobnob with the profs at the U.

I stay home and grow and eat things.

[Heineken]

I can put on a convincing social "mask" on those rare occasions when the need presents itself. I'm not lacking in those skills. I know how to fit in, to say the right things. But when I've got the social mask on I feel as if I'm being a fake---as if I am, indeed, wearing a mask. The real me is the one who walks alone in the woods, or sits alone in a room reading a book.

Still, I feel a sense of dissatisfaction with my loner status. Sometimes when I have interactions with people I come away feeling good, energized, connected. I momentarily forget my problems. But for some mysterious reason I do not actively pursue those interactions, despite the positive reinforcement they can bring.

[Heineken]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Byron100', 'I')t'd sure be cool if we could have a Peak Oil convention someday...I'd love to meet some of you guys in person.

[Heineken]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('killJOY', 'B')oth of us are. Not joking. It helps to be partnered with a fellow misfit. The secret to such a successful relationship (+20 years) is "benign indifference." We like to be left alone.
I have a gene missing. Prevents me from participating in politics & clubs. My social fears are great. I took medication for it for awhile. It worked! Then I consulted my Doctor, Dick Withers, about the side effects. I've chosen not to take the meds anymore.
I'm OK with close friends and family. I play in two old time string bands. I teach and have no problem with classrooms full of idiots I mean college students.
But I can't "socialize" or "network" or "hang out" with people casually. I have zero friendships with people at my various jobs. I'm not part of my fire department's "Family," it's totally professional. Nor do I hobnob with the profs at the U. I stay home and grow and eat things.

[BigTex]

Heineken, you're the life of the party here. This is certainly a type of socializing.

You're as friendly and outgoing as you want to be.

If I met you in person, I'm sure we could talk for hours.

Feeling disconnected is not that big a deal if the people from whom you feel disconnected are not people you can relate to or respect.

I'll bet if you went to a peakoil.com convention you would have a different experience than in your everyday life, because you would have a reason and purpose to connect with others.

I'm very friendly and more or less outgoing, but I rarely truly open up to people because I just don't think they would be able to relate to the way I think about a lot of things (such as peak oil).

I think the prison analogy is off the mark. That's just some gloom that has caught up with you for the time being.

[killJOY]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'M')y "gayness" is peculiar, perhaps, in that it has nothing to do with sexual attraction to men. I'm more sexually attracted to women (pretty ones, anyway). But my "lonerness" made progress with women truly impossible. The world of men made more room for someone like me, was more accepting.
I call it the prison syndrome. I was (am) in a prison of my own making. In prison there are only other men to love.

[Ludi]

I'm a loner due to severe social anxiety (now better controlled through the wonders of BigPharma). I never had friends I hung out with frequently. I have a very few not close friends. I'm not close to my family, whom I have difficulty calling on the phone. My family doesn't go out of their way to try to be with me (quite the opposite, I'd say, they seem to avoid me).

Living in the country and working at home, I'm mostly a hermit.

My husband is the only person I'm close to.

I don't mind it much except it leaves me feeling very vulnerable if I should outlive him (something I'm determined to do so as not to leave him alone, but even so, unlikely I will manage it - his health is better than mine).

My "social life" is mostly on the internet. Which is kind of like writing letters to strangers.

[Byron100]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Heineken', '')$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Byron100', 'I')t'd sure be cool if we could have a Peak Oil convention someday. I'd love to meet some of you guys in person.

[firestarter]

I enjoy companionship, which to my mind is a one to one thing.

I do not enjoy being alone, but I don't enjoy large gatherings either. If given the choice I'd choose being alone to being immersed in the large, or even small, group.

I hate small talk, except on forums like this.

I love complex women or men who are not absolutists.

I consider message forums like this a poor substitute to face to face contact/intimacy.

Some of the most interesting people I know are generally loners. Given my need for meaningful, person to person intimacy that's unfortunate.

[eastbay]

One of my pre employment psych evals suggested I'm not a 'team player' because my favorite sport was weightlifting, which is generally performed solo. The favorite bird I chose was the eagle, which generally doesn't move in large flocks.

A loner? I wouldn't want to live alone yet I dislike malls, sporting events, and crowded places. I attend mass anti war protests, but am happy to get away from the crowds afterwards. I prefer to bike alone. My place of 'religious' gathering is quite small with about 30 members, with another 30 or so who occasionally drop by. We chose a quiet street with a low density, but most of the people know each other fairly well and a walk through the neighborhood can take a long time due to the many stops to visit.

Not exactly a 'loner', but closer to 'loner' than many, I suppose. My wife and I occasionally discuss moving to an even less densely populated area.

[Lumpy]

This is a fascinating thread, Heinken -- thanks for starting it.

It really hits home with me for a number of reasons. I have always said that I have been friend to many people, but have had very few friends myself.

People open up to me (fortunate, since I practice psychiatry), and that is a gift for which I am thankful. However, I tend to be trusting of and more open to people when I first meet them, then pull back the longer I know them.

As the years have passed, I have been increasingly envious of -- no, more appropriately I would say I have longed for the type of personality or genetic makeup or formative background or whatever combo thereof -- that one sees in people who have friends they can still reach out to and relate to after decades of knowing one another.

I have a few people I could call on in crisis. People with whom I work. But as for friends, I have three real friends that I can think of ... one of my sisters, my "brother bear" (we 'adopted' one another as siblings in adulthood), and my husband.

My mask is a good, convincing one, too, Heinie. When I have been at parties (which I now avoid) or am at gatherings (like medical conventions or church functions) I am one of those people around whom others gather and are always smiling, laughing and enjoying themselves. I guess I put out vibes that bring people near me -- and then they enjoy the experience of being in that circle, for the brief time it lasts. But I never go away feeling I have been 'fed' in my heart/soul or energized by the encounters. And I don't follow up on maintaining relationships started during such encounters.

I am all the time being recruited to move to areas where we could live rural, but be closer to a larger town. There is one appeal to this for me -- the idea that through effort and skill learning, I could develop some real friendships that would last through the rest of my life.

I don't want to be 'mainstream' per se. I just like to have some greater sense of belonging.

This is so strange. I do so well in my work. I come through for so many people -- both through work and others who need me. But I really seem to be unable or maybe long-standing-unwilling (for reasons from the past, I would guess) to let people become and stay close enough to me to allow them to come through for me.

I think this is pretty self-sabotaging behavior. And having the chance to write it down here has started me with rethinking as to how I might really address this problem in a serious way.

Thanks for the thread.

Lumpy

[patience]

Pretty much what BigTex said. I believe in quality of friends, not quantity, although I am gregarious by nature. Why bother with shallow people? Too much of society is not social at all in any real sense, but only self-indulgent and approval-seeking. Waste of time, to me. Accordingly, we chose to live in a rural area where the realities of farming, logging, and small business begets a practical, down to earth outlook. Our friends and neighbors are busy because they are interested in reality, and participate in it creatively.

I spent most of my life in engineering, where the big qualifier for success is an ability to get common understanding among "big-picture" managers, hard nosed money people, practical labor people, stubborn skilled trades, and a lot of single-minded functionaries. I loved the creativity of the job and the required diplomacy.

Now, in business for myself, I solve problems for people doing repairs, and save them money and critical time to get going again. That makes me a hero in their eyes! What's not to like about that?

[JJ]

what a neat topic! I relate to heinekin for sure...I know how to say the right thing in social settings and am greatly liked by most at work (which was great aid to my wife when I was in a coma) but I don't feel like I have a connection with anybody except my wife (and children). Whata schizophrenic, sociopathic life! But I'm (by my definition) fairly happy! Thanks for the topic.

edited for spelling

[Auntie_Cipation]

Yes, interesting thread, thanks Heineken.

I've used the phrase, in my search for a partner, "How does a hermit find another hermit?"

I'm not really a true hermit though -- I do enjoy some social interaction, just seeing people in town once or twice a week, and maybe a group gathering like a potluck every couple months or so. From the perspective of a true hermit, that's pretty social. But from the perspective of most people, who seem to need more-or-less constant social interaction, that's pretty hermitlike. I enjoy the hermit image, so I foster that. Besides, I can relate to real hermits better than I can real socialites.

When I have a partner, the comfort I feel by being in the relationship allows me to enjoy not only the time spent with the partner but also time spent alone pursuing my own projects or hobbies.

But when I'm not in a relationship, somehow then being alone feels too "lonely" and I tend to spend less time on those solitary interests, and need more social interaction time in town or visiting. This is true even though, as previous posters have said, that social time isn't particularly satisfying to me and the people aren't especially close friends.

[coyote]

Used to be a hard loner, definitely, but not so much any more. I particularly had trouble interacting with women. Then I went through some rather intense therapy a few years back, and since then I have been much better. I'm now in a great relationship and hanging out with other people more - although parties and get-togethers can still be excruciating for me at times, and I don't always know the right thing to say, or any thing at all.

I still enjoy solitude, and always will. Always been comfortable with myself. Especially in the wild - I'm the only person I know who slowly wanders through a landscape the way I do, often on all fours following a track, or sniffing a plant, checking my handbooks, sitting down to draw a tree, laying down to watch the sky or an anthill. I can easily "waste" an entire afternoon and only travel a few dozen yards - it's great! That kind of activity is not easily shared with others. The noise alone scares all the wildlife away, people like to talk about other stuff, they don't know how to dress and move quietly, they get bored when they're not going somewhere particular, and it just isn't the same. I've learned how to enjoy "hiking" - because that's what the people I know do - but I think of that more as calisthenics, in fresh air with an occasional view.

I think to be a successful loner one must replace human relationships with other relationships - relationships with nature, or with books, or with music, etc. Nature will always be my first love. It's what I found as a child when relationships with good friends or family proved elusive. She occasionally bit but never judged.