by mindfarkk » Wed 26 Jan 2005, 11:21:03
i am depressed as shit right now. which means i've lost all perspective. all my stressors, from PO to watching the administrative soap opera unfold in the white house with jaw-dropping horror, down to the chronic and excruciating pain in my shoulder, and being flat broke and about to graduate into the worst employment market ever which shows no sign of improving at all, have mereged into one big ugly mess in my head. to the point where i'm having nightmares about The Bomb, you know, looking out your window and seeing the bright white flash? i'd say i'm pretty much as triggered as i can get. PTSD... it's a wonderful thing.
my antidote is to say OK ENOUGH OBSESSING ALREADY and narrow my focus considerably. so i quit coming here, for a week, longer if i need to. i quit taking in new, triggering information. i went and listened to some people talk who know how to keep life simple and put first things first and who have, like me, already survived disaster and remind me how to do it. i focus on things i CAN do and stop banging my head against the wall with things i can't. i give myself an immediate *experience* of being effective to counter the soaking in powerlessness i've been having. i feel a little better today. selective denial, used properly, can be a life-saver.
i know not everyone has these same issues but i really have to be selective about what information i expose myself to and when. because there is just no point in overloading the nervous system. it serves no purpose. i have to respect my limits and know when to step back and let go. because if i burn myself out now, if something really bad DID happen, i'd be a fucking mess.
i have spent - no, wasted - way way way too much time in my life agonizing over possible crises that never materialized. occasionally one will, like losing my job four years ago. but for me that's the exception. and that's PTSD to some degree, that's how it's effected me. constantly anticipating, never being able to relax, always working myself up to a crisis. then when something real comes along - holy shit. not that i'm not functional in a crisis, but something like this, where something MIGHT happen or IS happening on this kind of slow, grand scale, i can't respond to with any kind of normal proportional excitement. so i work myself up into a frenzy, lose sleep, exhaust myself, and then give it up for a while. and it is SUCH A WASTE of energy, time, ME. it accomplishes little and what it does accomplish, or cause me to accomplish, it does at great expense to my physical and mental health. i'm saying this because if anyone is out there doing the same thing maybe they will benefit from hearing it from someone else. I KNOW I'M DOING IT. I KNOW that while i need to act, this is not in any way productive and i have to knock it off.
the only way i know to do that is to withdraw for a while, like i said, stop triggering myself, KNOW that this is the same feeling and the same pattern i've been going through all my life, and chill until the inner storm passes. and if the sky falls in the meantime well i'll just have to deal with it as best i can. meanwhile i need to get out of myself, go do something for someone else, get some exercise, get something to eat, and use some positive distractions. and me, i pray. my faith is pretty thin these days but that's when i need to be around the people i most respect and get inspired. and have some fucking humility.
what, me worry?
