[lateStarter]

As I sit here typing this, my 87 year-old MIL is wailing away like a banshee as my wife tries to put her to bed. She recently had a stroke, and as stupid as she was before, we now have an 87 Year old woman who acts like an infant on our hands. She also likes to rub her feces in her hair and anywhere else when she gets the chance. I think my wife is going to kill herself soon, if we don't get some relief! Or she (my wife) may croak herself! I had to call an ambulance the other night because my wife was having an anxiety attack that had all the symptoms of a stroke!

We are looking into either getting someone to live with us full-time or preferably, farm her out (the mother in law) to an old folks home (warehouse) where she can get some full-time supervision and we can get some relief! My wife feels really guilty about this, but I told her in no uncertain terms, that I will not tolerate this any longer.

Part of this, of course I lay at the feet of our 'wonderful' medical system that has the ability to keep people alive long past their 'due date' but can't seem to provide basic medical care to children and young adults. The joys of modern life! I don't think this will be a problem that future generations have to deal with. Why can't we all just go quietly in our sleep one night?

Sorry for the rant. I almost added: 'feel my pain', but I realized that is so trite compared to what the majority of the human race is going through at the moment (or will be soon)...

[lateralus]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('lateStarter', ' ')She also likes to rub her feces in her hair and anywhere else when she gets the chance.

[lateStarter]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('lateralus', '')$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('lateStarter', ' ')She also likes to rub her feces in her hair and anywhere else when she gets the chance.

[Zardoz]

Sounds like a really ugly combination of Alzheimer's and the effects of the stroke. Your poor wife needs to repress her guilt and get her mom into a facility where they're set up to handle this sort of thing.

Call it a "warehouse" if you like, but it's where she should be.

Hang in there...

[lateStarter]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Shannymara', 'W')ell, it's not an option now that you mentioned thinking about it on a public message board!

Re anxiety - I find kava kava tea (I use the Yogi Tea Co. kind and 3 bags per cup) helps quite a bit without the side effects of alcohol. Lasts about 4 hours and is totally non-addictive, so good for acute situations like this.

[AlCzervik]

ls, you are a champ for dealing with this. This type of thing is becoming a huge issue in the U.S. Very well-to-do upper middle class couples whose kids are out of the house are now having to deal with taking care of old age mom and dad. If they put mom and dad in the nursing home, it costs a fortune and breaks the savings. If they bring mom or dad home, it causes all kinds of family stress. And if one or two of the kids hangs around or comes back home, forget it, you have a very stressful full house. My grandma had a stroke about five years ago and has been in assisted living ever since. She was amazing with her money, but that place drained her savings in about four years. Now, my parents pay for it. Luckily, they are well off for a while. But, if something went bad with my parents' jobs/pensions, grandma would have to come home. It would be a debacle.

[blukatzen]

Greetings and Czesc Latestarter,

I had this situation on my hands several years ago, when I had assumed the guardianship of my most elderly aunt, my mother's sister, who had no children. She was 92 at the time of my being appointed her guardian. Before this, her sister, another aunt, took care of her needs, she passed during a surgery for her problems (she was 74.) And the one that passed was also someone I took care of, in a round-about way. I didn't formally "take care" of them like a nurse would, but I was the one who ran to the store, took them to the doctor, got them prescriptions when they needed it, (often late at night which was always fun after a full day at work.)

After a bit , we did get them both what is known here in Chicago, as a"Polish live-in". (my adopted family was Polish-American). These are, in this urban marketplace, where one can get a homemaker/babysitter/meal-preparer/shit-wiper/etc. when the baby-boomer bread-winner can't just quit their job to take care of granny.

As my aunts had a good command of Polish, they all got along just fine, until the younger Aunt died, leaving me in charge of Older Aunt. (who was not Alzheimerish, but she did "forget" things, and was not able to walk around without help..was wheelchair bound.)
So, being bed-ridden somewhat, she was prone to bed-sores, etc. which I always had to keep watch over. (we had a home-visiting nurse check on things once a week..they had fantastic insurance.) We also had a local "Dept. of Aging" that could be used as a resource for these things you speak of above.

I had to, after the Auntie L died, put Auntie A in the nursing home to "watch" over her sores, and then she developed a condition which a lot of seniors get, which is a swallowing problem in which the fluid can get thrown into the lungs, instead of going down the proper way. Legally, I had to have an RN feed her, and special fluids were administered, and they had the consistency of thickened yogurt drink, to travel down the throat so she wouldnt' choke. I actually had to rent a medi-van from the nursing home TO the hospital to have a respiratory tech and an occupational tech administer tests to her, and an assessment was made, and I had to report this to the court. (the court gives a bit more leeway to children of seniors than neices/nephews..probably everywhere. I see this as a human condition.)

After the assessment, (May '98) she was getting kind of tired, and she stopped eating, and I was given the problem of having to either install a feeding tube (she was very frail) or letting her go, I was advised to put her in hospice situation and let her go. It was very difficult, but I thought "where are we going with this" in the quality of life dept.?" and realized she was beginning to fade away anyways.

I stayed with her off and on during that last week at the nursing home, and she passed July 4, '98, "Independence Day" for her.
Her suffering was over, and I held her hand. During that week, I had to pick out her attire, and make arrangements with the funeral director, knowing it would be days away. THAT was rough on me.

This lady had taken care of me when my mother (who pre-deceased in '94, in fact, ironically,today is the anniversary of my mom's passing.) was taking care of another family member who was sick for a month in the hospital. She changed her workshift to be able to pick me up, and watch me do the homework, get dinner started until my father came home from work, or my mom arrived home. She did this again, without complaint, and to be able to honor her as she did me, so long ago, was a wonderful loving duty on my part.

I know it is difficult to see beyond the poop in the hair, but once, she was probably a very loving woman to your daughter, and this woman also put up with WWII and the Communist aftermath in her lifetime. She is part of your family. I am NOT advocating keeping her in the home however, and the best thing to do is get her to the place where she will be of no harm to herself or her family. She will have attentive health care as I was legally bound to give to my family members.

I would suggest that you both get some support from social services, that must be at some family center, through the church, or from a hospital. Poland is a 2-World country in financial situation, but they are not behind the times in councelling and social services.

All folks that are dealing with this have to take care of themselves too, you have my sympathies, and your wife does as well. It is not easy to have to reconcile what you NOW have to do with memories from before. Ironically, I met my (now) husband around that time, and he kept saying "WE" can handle this, and this situation won't always be here".

If you need to vent, please PM mail, I have "been there" and I understand. We have to stick together, and I understand. I "understand" the pillow too, but there are other ways that social services can offer you that provide dignity to her, and mental relief to you.
However, realistically, after the TSHTF, I think we will see a lot of "pillow therapy" of those that do not die of starvation, war, neglect, etc. We will also see alot of infant/child abandonment as well.

Sending you my kindest regards...

[Eli]

Yeah man that truly sucks.

You need to tell your wife that this is the reason that they have assisted living and full time nursing care. Her mother is no longer her self and needs full time nursing in a place that is much better equipped to handle such situations.

And I here your point about the current state of medicine people now often live much longer because of modern medicine but with a very questionable quality of life.

My grandmother died with severe Alzheimer to the point that she really was a taken from us many years before. I can still remember a Christmas many many years ago as the disease was setting in when I asked how she was doing. She turned to me with fear in her eyes and said "I am losing my mind".

My Dad has instructed me not to let that happen to him. We treat animals better sometimes I think.

[threadbear]

I would find some way of overdosing my mother, or another means of terminating her life, that would appear to be an accident...I think.(you never know until you get there). It WOULD kill me to look after someone in that shape, and I would NOT put my husband through it, nor would I listen to any of the sentimental arguments about all they'd done for me when I was a baby and growing up. I wouldn't want to warehouse my mother either, so it would be up to me to take an active role, and by God--I'd do it.

Smearing crap in hair? Nope. Wouldn't tolerate it. Call me un-Christian, I don't care.

[lateralus]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('threadbear', 'I')f it was my mother, I would kill her.

[threadbear]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('lateralus', '')$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('threadbear', 'I')f it was my mother, I would kill her.

[lateralus]

Haha, I'm fast, no worries. I don't really know how I'd react to my mother applying no. 2 hair lotion either.

[threadbear]

People used to do the sensible thing and keel over dead when they were elderly, but still in fairly good shape. This dawn of the dead, revenge of the zombies, twilight zone episode, that goes on for years, is tragic in multiple ways. It reminds me I have to make out a living will insisting that if I ever have a stroke, or am incapacitated to a great degree, that I'm not resuscitated. I'd hardly call keeping a gibbering wraith alive who neither comprehends or enjoys life and has a brain shrunk to the size of a peanut, humane, dignified, or ennobling. If we think back to the way they were in their prime, we should also imagine how horrified, they themselves would be, if they were in their right minds, and could witness what they are allowed, by modern science, to be reduced to. There is nothing more ghoulish than geriatric medicine that produces animated corpses.

[WildRose]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('threadbear', ' ')It reminds me I have to make out a living will insisting that if I ever have a stroke, or am incapacitated to a great degree, that I'm not resuscitated.

[I_Like_Plants]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('threadbear', 'P')eople used to do the sensible thing and keel over dead when they were elderly, but still in fairly good shape.

[TheDude]

Strokes sometimes happen to physically fit people in their early 30's. The clot with your name on it.
My brother and I divide up the day caring for our 70-year old mother, who needs help with most everything since a massive stroke, with heart attack and pneumonia on the side, a couple years back. Medicaid pays for a couple months and then you're on your own. My brother tried to take care of her all on himself, which almost gave him his own heart attack, since she was in the habit of getting up the minute she was awake and trying to wander off. This was the case when she was in a care home for a while, and she fell out of bed twice. We'd arrive at night and they couldn't seem to remember to put those cushions on the floor per my suggestion...we've all got fiery tempers and made a bit of an impression at times - fuckers! Read the goddamn note we put up you stupid **** ******* **** ***
That sort of thing. My Mom's also lively and I'm glad that while she's very helpless now she hasn't just faded into a waking coma like so many of the people in those places. Stroke patients tend to mellow out eventually.
Another messed up situation with care homes (in the US anyway) is that family members aren't allowed to help the patient to the bathroom, so you have at night you have two nurses assisting 50 patients frantically hitting their buzzers wanting to pee. That most definitely will have to change soon.

[SeasonOfPain]

Sincere condolences, lateStarter. Hope everything works out OK.

This is yet another major reason why I opted for voluntary sterilization. I'd hate to think of putting my kids through something like this.

[lateStarter]

Thanks for all the 'hugs'. I'll try to pass them on to my wife. I don't think she slept at all last night! I opted for the couch in the den with the dogs. I couldn't handle another night of it.

Assisted living. Thats the words I was looking for. I knew there was a better way of saying it than 'warehouse'. The situation in that regard is slightly better than it was in the past here in Poland, at least in Warsaw. The problem is finding an open space. We will probably get on the waiting list and in the meantime hire someone from the Ukraine as live-in help. And just as in the US, it is not cheap. Average cost (for private care) seems to be about twice what the 'average' Pole earns.

The only bright light in this picture is that once the MIL is out of the house, we can sell the property and accelerate our building plans in the village. The market is still good here in Warsaw at the moment, but I feel like we are in a race against time.

And she was at one time, a beautiful young woman. I have seen pictures of her taken when she was in her 20's - pinup material. I hope she doesn't have the mental capacity to understand how pathetic her current situation is. I also pray that I don't end up in the same situation where someone is having to change my diapers...

[AWPrime]

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('Eli', 'S')he turned to me with fear in her eyes and said "I am losing my mind".

My Dad has instructed me not to let that happen to him. We treat animals better sometimes I think.

[nemo]

I can somewhat relate to this tragic situation, at least by proxy.
About a decade ago, when I was still living with my parents, my grandmother was in a traffic accident. She was an awesome old lady in so many ways, and got hit by a car while riding her bicycle. She got a hard knock on the head, but modern medicine saved her for the time being. I vividly recall my mother's reaction, her being a medical professional, upon seeing the CT scans, basically saying that the best thing for granny would be to go there and then. She didn't, and spend the following years as an angst-ridden, heavily medicated and confused splinter of her old self, and having a number of consecutive strokes, getting increasingly incapacitated, until a massive stroke finally killed her.
As hard as it was helping to take care of a confused grandma in pain and mental anguish, it was harder still to see my mother having to carry the burden of it all - it really took a toll on her.

Death always sucks, but some deaths are way suckier than others.

About 100 miles from where I live, there is a mountain with a vertical drop on one side. Legends have it that the indigenous tribes that used to occupy that area would take their old people up there and throw them off the cliff once they became too much of a burden. Whether true or not, I guess such habits would make a certain sense in a society where the margin of survival was much slimmer than what we enjoy today. As previously stated, our modern medical resources don't necessarily bring dignity to the inevitable process of dying.