[FairMaiden]

I just watched the End of Suburbia with my fiance. He was furious after the show. He got angry at everything and especially me. He said it was "really easy for ppl like me" (who have endured difficult times and transitions in life). While he was born and raised in suburban delight. Easy for me? How about I have always had nothing - and now I have no chance at having an opulent life like the one he has enjoyed for 30 yrs. I know he is mad bc he realizes he is part of the problem. That his lifestyle has contributed to this mess - while mine hasn't. (Before him, I didn't even own furniture)

I can't believe his reaction bc I have been talking about PO for over a year now! He just "heard" me but didn't really put what I was saying into context.

Now he's wondering why we started our own business (would be useless after PO). He's mad I didn't tell him this before we planned our wedding (what a waste of resources) and he's wondering what the point of having children would be.

Since I didn't feel like I was hit over the head with PO (I've been watching the planet destroy itself my whole life so no surprises here)...how do I help him to deal with this? He won't come onto the site bc he's had enough "information"...

Thanks,
FM

[thuja]

First response after the truth is realized- anger, denial, depression, fear, etc. Often goes on like that for a while. Everything is questioned and everything is seen in a new light. At some point he'll switch from mainly anger to mainly how he and you want to prepare. Let him freak out for a while. When he calms down, he'll start thinking proactively about your future. But don't dwell too much on the past and who had it nice and who didn't. And when the time comes, focus on how you want to live your lives from now on...

[cynthia]

Good advice, Thuja.
I was going to recommend a dose of homeopathic Nux Vomica 30c, but I know that's not smart going on so little information.
Best of luck FM and hang in there.
-Another Oregonian with PO awareness

[Guest]

His response tells me you have found an intelligent, thoughtful spouse.

Congratulations.

[Hegel]

Either divorce asap or tell him to act like man and get his bloody act together.

[Byron100]

I really don't know why your hubby would be so pissed at you, esp. if you've been dropping hints along the way. But in terms of damage control, I would stress that Kunstler has been preaching the end of Consumerism for many years now, and Peak Oil fits right in with his hysterics (and he loves being hysterical about things, beleive me.) Tell him, yes, Peak Oil is coming, but we'll probably be okay for longer than we might think. Would it change his perspective if you told him there was a very good likelyhood that you and him (along with most Americans) will be able to carry on as you have been for another 5, 10, or even 15 years? Rome didn't fall in a day, and neither will the U.S.

Also, I would tell him this: Would you rather know about this now, or after the fact and have your pants down??

If he was smart, he would be thanking you for providing him with some rather important advance knowledge...

[entropyfails]

I have to say, having played several feudal Chinese strategy games, when you hear bad news like “we wish to invade you, steal your money and your women!” sometimes you do, in fact, want to shoot the messenger. Your boyfriend has been hurt because his cognitive structures have been radically altered and he cannot make future probability inferences with as much ease as he used to. For an animal that lives in constant fear of the future, we can expect this change to cause massive irritability. You, being his fiance, end up being a safe and easy target for that irritability as I feel certain he has to suppress it around other people.

Call him on it. And be explicit in how his actions make you feel. Saying things like “I feel like you are taking this out on me because I provide a safe and comfortable person to vent your frustrations to,” may help. Perhaps if he continues this behavior you and you feel overwhelmed, I recommend breaking down and crying. Seeing your partner cry typically snaps any loving person out of their angry state. Just be honest about how he makes you feel. Avoid sending him to "sites" like this one as he obviously has enough information to cause massive cognitive dissonance, more information cannot soothe those neurons. But time, love, and caring always work in this world.

If all else fails, you could always say "Fine, everything's fucked. Lets go cuddle in bed and screw until the end of the world comes." That always works on men. *grin*

[azreal60]

Entropy fails probably has the most practical solution to your problem.

I would also recommend getting the books of Daniel Quinn. Ishmael, The Story of B, and My Ishmael. All worthwhile, all great reads, and they are fiction books, so he doesn't have to feel like he's being Made to read them. They'll soothe, entertain, and perhaps give him some hope.

Still, go get laid. That's what hubbies are for.

[UIUCstudent01]

Send that to "Dear Abby" or somesuch...

I don't know if I'm joking or not.

[deerslayer]

Here's how to help him deal with it:
Stop being such a snotty, snobby little bitch.
The world doesn't revolve around you.
He might actually have a life, outside of "Peak oil"

[Dukat_Reloaded]

I'm sure he loves hearing this crap from you. "come, come into this dark drepressing world I'm creating for you, where there is no future, only pain...."

I wouldn't be worried if you think you made a wrong choice with this guy, I think maybe the guy made a wrong choice with you.

Living PeakOil now is no way to live, trust me, I've tried it and it sucks. Be optimistic and create some joy around you.

[deerslayer]

dukat-- do I sense some sensibility?
Sensing
Intelligence
on
The Peak Oil
Board....

[smallpoxgirl]

The snide comments of prior posters aside, this is classic Kubler Ross.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
3. Depression
4.Acceptance

Link

Think of it as progress. At least he's not in denial.

[deerslayer]

Your analasis is complete bullshit. He doesnt care.


Hes nt going thru any type of denile. He just wants the bitch to shut up.

Next year these two will not be together. they have nothing in commen and they really dont even like each other.
Sorry about my spelling--this bitch pisses me off

[EyesWideOpen]

At the ripe old age of 30, your man should now behave more as an adult. Just because Kubler Ross' stages exist, and even though the emotions may be real, does not require that they be acted upon in a childish manner. It is likely that his behavior is an indication of other underlying issues: such as insecurities regarding your impending marriage.

How one handles crises is a good indicator of future success. If he handles the small crisis of being awakened by "The End of Suburbia" in such a manner, how will he handle the many more difficult crises that you will handle together in a marriage? This man needs to mature.

The best thing you can do is to continue to openly communicate with each other. Best wishes.

[Doly]

Be very careful with an angry man. Somebody who is quick to become angry with the slightest provocation can make your life hell. If you see a pattern of him becoming angry as his normal reaction to problems, you are heading for lots of trouble.

[Jake_old]

Fascinating FM, it seems from a couple of posts here that peak oil is in fact YOUR fault

I'm sure your fiance's response is temporary. I'm sure you know that none of us are perfect. He's lucky that you try and understand. You're lucky that you both are to be pulling in the same direction soon.

Good luck.

[Falconoffury]

I don't understand why people get angry or upset over peak oil. It's either right or wrong. Getting angry or upset doesn't change facts. I just accept the world the way it is. It's like the laws of physics. What goes up must come down. No use crying over spilt milk.

[thuja]

Yeah- except its the end of civilization as we knew it. All those petty hopes and dreams...poof! I get confused when people don't get angry, upset and depressed after fully comprehending PO. That would be a normal response.

[Wrencher]

I have been slowly introducing these new concepts to my wife and grown/married children, and I know what you mean about denial. Don't rain on my parade!!

I tried to stay with the most mainstream publications that I could because I felt that they were most familiar with these and would have the greatest crediblity. National Geographics had a recent article on peak oil entitled 'After Oil, Powering the Future' which I thought very much minimized the travail that we will go through. But it was a start, and actually the author said some pretty bold thing... like there is no plan 'B'. But he kind of just layed it down like a dry fly on a stream... it is there, but with no waves or splash or elaboration. I guess that comes later once you have accepted that life will be changing and that we need to start changing our lives NOW.

My parents grew up during the Great Depression, and they lived a life without a lot of money, or material goods. And both of them have told me repeatedly that they didn't know they were poor.... So I don't think the children issue is really an issue. Kids thrive on love and can have more fun with the box than with the contents.

I have two son's-in-laws that are having a hard time getting their minds around it all. They are both working and going to school, and don't have a lot of time to analyze things, and more importantly - they have PLANS. So I am biding my time. I know that there will come a teaching moment when they are looking for and answer to they changes in their worlds. Then will be the time. In the mean time my wife and I are preparing as best we can with food and water storage, cooking fuel, heating fuel, in the short term, a wood stove, and longer term solar hot air and water.....

Best wishes to you in communicating all this to your friend. Most people are really uncomfortable not thinking like the 'group'. Facts speak for them selves in time.

All the best,

Wrencher