Scairy set of puns

by **uNkNowN ElEmEnt** » Sat 16 Jul 2005, 15:22:40

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, --- thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

by **OilyMon** » Sat 16 Jul 2005, 16:20:31

A neutron walked into a bar and sat down on one of the stools.
"Hey bar-keep! ", he said, "How much for a beer?"

To which the bartender replied : "For you?..... no charge!"

by **Aaron** » Sat 16 Jul 2005, 16:25:01

A skeleton walks into a bar.

Orders a beer, & a mop.

by **Grasshopper** » Sat 16 Jul 2005, 16:43:41

A termite goes into a bar and asks "Where's the bar tender?"

by **Texas_T** » Sat 16 Jul 2005, 16:59:29

True PUNishment...

Remember...puns are not for children.....they are strictly GROAN UP humor....

by **RonMN** » Sat 16 Jul 2005, 17:58:50

This is just aweful! So in keeping with that...

An indian goes into an out-house & falls in. Quite a while later a cowboy goes into the outhouse & sees the indian swimming in the sewage...

The cowboy says "HEY, indian...how long have you been down there"?

Indian replies "MANY MOONS".

by **PenultimateManStanding** » Sun 17 Jul 2005, 01:00:16

A blond has completed, with great pride, a puzzle in only 52 days, even though it says 2 to 3 years on the box.

by **PenultimateManStanding** » Sun 17 Jul 2005, 01:32:24

A lady goes to the dentist's office and says 'I'd just as soon have a baby than have a tooth pulled out!' Nurse says 'well make up your mind cause I'll have to adjust the chair.'

by **PenultimateManStanding** » Sun 17 Jul 2005, 01:39:15

Rene Descartes walked into a bar an ordered a beer. Later the bartender asked if he wanted another one. Descartes said, 'I think not' and *poof* he disappeared.

by **PenultimateManStanding** » Sun 17 Jul 2005, 01:48:19

An tourist in Ireland walks into a bar and asks the bartender, 'what's the quickest way to Dublin?' Bartender asks 'well are ya walkin' or drivin'?' Tourist sez, 'drivin'' bartender sez, 'well, that's the quickest way'

Baby seal walks into a bar. Bartender sez, 'what are ya havin'?' Seal sez, 'anything but a Canadian Club.'

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre and the bartender gives her one.

by **Budmeister** » Sun 17 Jul 2005, 17:56:14

Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable? Getting her back in her wheelchair.

I know, I'm seriously disturbed.

by **uNkNowN ElEmEnt** » Tue 19 Jul 2005, 20:12:50

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'R')ene Descartes walked into a bar an ordered a beer. Later the bartender asked if he wanted another one. Descartes said, 'I think not' and *poof* he disappeared.

by **BrownDog** » Tue 19 Jul 2005, 21:37:43

I heard that radio show, too, PMS.

A Zen Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and asks, "can you make me one with everything?"

So the vendor gives him a hot dog and says, "that'll be three dollars". The Buddhist gives him a five, and waiting, says, "where's my change?" The vendor replies, "true change comes from within."

by **PenultimateManStanding** » Tue 19 Jul 2005, 23:41:59

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('BrownDog', 'I') heard that radio show, too, PMS.

by **Antimatter** » Wed 20 Jul 2005, 03:43:55

So a dyslexic walks into a bra...

Only works after a string of bar jokes.

by **Grimnir** » Wed 20 Jul 2005, 04:55:06

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

Q: What did the orthopedist do for the kid born with webbed feet?
A: Sent him a bill.

by **EnergySpin** » Mon 25 Jul 2005, 00:06:28

"When a young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! " The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars..............but Realistically,......... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.

by **Badger** » Mon 25 Jul 2005, 00:31:34

$this->bbcode_second_pass_quote('', 'J')ohn Kerry walks into a bar and sits down. Bartender looks at him and sez, 'why the long face?'

Scairy set of puns

Scairy set of puns

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